A Very Sirius Christmas
by Hillary and Jess
Summary: James is spending Christmas holiday with Sirius and his large, slightly strange, family. LilyJames no longer canon. UPDATED! NOW HAS CHAPTER 7!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer:  Harry Potter and all related themes, ideas, characters, and other miscellaneous things pertaining to Harry Potter are not owned by Hillary or Jess.  In fact, they belong to J.K. Rowling, her publishers, and Warner Brothers.  

A/N: If you haven't read our First fic, 'Dates, Pranks, and Marauders,' you may just want to. It's not completely necessary to understand what's going on,  but you'll most probably enjoy this fic more thoroughly upon reading that one. 

Oh, and after much deliberation we decided upon this title versus Sirius at the Blacks after getting our reader's opinions. See? We do listen to your reviews! :) 

–Hillary and Jess

A Very Sirius Christmas Chapter I- 

            'Bugger,' Sirius Black said groggily as he looked over at his clock, 'James, wake up, s'already one o'clock.'

            'Eh?'  James Potter answered vaguely from a camp bedin the corner of Sirius' room.  He was staying at the Blacks for Christmas Holiday, as his own parents had gone out of town for their eighteenth second honeymoon.  

            'It's time to get up.  We've been asleep far too long,' Sirius told him, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and swinging his legs over the side of his bed, 'C'mon, Prongs, I'm hungry.'  James continued to sleep with his face buried deep inside his pillow.  

            'Wake-up, sleepy heads!'  Squealed a small child's voice, startling James out of his sleeping torpor.  Sirius' youngest sister, Samantha, stood in the doorway, her bouncy pigtails swinging tauntingly.  

            'Sammy, what are you doing in here?  Get out, we're still asleep,' Sirius told his five-year-old sister, pushing her out of the room, 'You're not allowed in here anyway.'

            'Oh yes I am!'  She replied, smiling with her crooked snaggle-teeth and ducking beneath her brother's arm.

            'Who said so?  This is my room, and I say you need to leave,' Sirius said with finality in his voice. 

            'I'm the favourite, I can do whatever I want,' she told him and James snottily.

            'No, I'm the favourite!'  Sirius protested, as Samantha ran over to James.

            'I'm the favourite 'cause I'm the baby,' she said to James, as James rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

            'She does have a point there, Sir,' James said, stretching out his back.

            'No! I'm the favourite!  I'm the only boy, so they like_ me_ best!' Sirius said angrily.

            'You used to be the favourite, but then you got old.  Now they like _me_ best.'  She announced to Sirius and James, turning her head so that her curly pigtails swung round again.

            'No, I'm the favourite,' Sirius told her calmly, picking her up under her arms and carrying her towards the door, 'And that's all there is to it.'  Sirius set her down just outside the door, slammed it shut, then pulled a pile of dirty clothes in front of it so that it wouldn't open.  'Hah!'  He said triumphantly, turning back to James.

            'You know I'm the favourite Sirius!  Mum and Dad want to sell _you_ to the circus.  Melanie says that you're just in denial.'  Samantha's high-pitched, muffled voice said through the door.  

            Melanie was Sirius' second oldest sister, who had finished at Hogwarts three years ago.  She and Sirius were the closest in age, and fought quite a lot in their childhood.  Since she was smaller than most of the Blacks, she usually lost, making her quite bitter and angry with the world.  She was considered the black sheep of the family, and, although she was an excellent witch and the Head Girl of her class, she had decided to go back to her mother's muggle roots.  She was now studying to become a psycho-therapist.

            'I'm hungry.'  Sirius announced to James. 

            'Alright…what do you want _me_ to do about it.'  James replied.

            'Why don't you escort me down to breakfast?'  Sirius grinned.

            'Wouldn't it be lunch at this point?'  James asked.

            'Oh, I don't know.  A late brunch, perhaps?'  Sirius suggested, walking from his room and leading James down the stairs into the kitchen.  Mrs. Black sat labouring over a very large casserole dish, a bright scarf tying back her dark hair and a luridly patterned apron around her.

            'Good morning James, Sirius dear.  Would you like to have some of the tofu lasagna?  I've made it fresh and hot.'  She held up the casserole dish and proffered them the lasagna.  It would have looked fine, except for the large hunks of tofu that were sticking out sickly.  

            'I'm telling you, James, don't eat anything she gives you!  The tofu is poison, it will make you _die_.  Just politely decline and we'll get something good later.'  Sirius said in a loud stage whisper; Mrs. Black could hear him just as well as James could, but, instead of responding, smiled and displayed her masterpiece.

            'Sure, Mrs. Black, I'd love to try some of your lasagna,' James said, looking exasperatedly at Sirius.  She happily sliced a hearty helping out of her dish and handed it to James.  After looking defiantly at Sirius and giving Mrs. Black a grateful smile, James took a bite out of the tofu-lasagna.

            'Well?'  Mrs. Black asked James as he slowly chewed the stuff.

            'Well?'  Sirius asked, watching with humour in his eyes as James stopped eating and turned a shade of green.

            ' 'S good,' James lied, holding the nasty health food in his mouth and pretending to swallow.  

            'Mum, James and I are going to go out in the garden and enjoy the fresh air, we'll be back in a few moments,' Sirius told his mother, before steering James outside into the cold winter air.

            'Oh, but Sirius, it's so cold and snowy out there, and you and James haven't yet changed from your pygamas.  Won't my little star get chills?'  Mrs. Black called after them.

            'No, Mum, it's fine,' Sirius said, rolling his eyes, 'And don't call me that around James, it's embarrassing.'  He added in a whisper.  

            'What _is_ that?!'  James said once they were safely outside the house, spitting out the revolting lasagna into the fresh snow. 

            'I told you not to eat anything she gave you, didn't I?  You just wouldn't listen, would you?'  Sirius said, laughing as James attempted to clean his mouth out with the snow, 'If you're trying to get rid of the taste that way, it won't work.'

            'Are we going to _starve_, Padfoot?  I don't think I can eat any of that stuff!  What's it called again?  'The tofu,' is it?  It _is_ poison.'  James said, still trying in vain to rid his mouth of the nasty taste of tofu.

            'Don't worry, James,' Sirius chuckled, 'we just have to pretend to eat what she gives us.  We keep the _real_ food in my dad's study.'

            'Will the real food get rid of this taste?'  James asked hopefully.

            'Probably not, but let's go anyway,' Sirius suggested, pointing James towards a different door than they had come out of.  As the two of them walked into Mr. Black's study, Sirius' niece and nephew burst in the room from another door.  Lucy and Louis were twins, and the children of Sirius eldest sister, Katherine.  Both of them had black hair and hyperactive tendencies.  

            'Uncle Sihwus!'  Lucy exclaimed upon seeing Sirius.  She and her brother were dragging an open briefcase, the papers within suspiciously covered in some sort of crayon.  With that, they both fled from the scene, whacking James round the knee with the hard, leather case on their way out.

            'Cor!'  James winced, grabbing his knee with tears of pain in his eyes, 'what'd they do _that_ for, eh?'

            'They're not malicious on purpose, they just have no control over their bodies.  Mel often says that they're possessed by the devil.'  Sirius said in a very business-like tone.  

            'Ah, well, let's just get the food then, shall we?'  James said, still wincing from the twin terrors vicious attack.

            'Alright.  Hey Dad, what's the new password?'  Sirius now addressed his father, who had been, without James even noticing, sitting in a great big office chair behind a copy of _The Daily Prophet_, completely ignoring his grandchildren's behaviour.  

            'Death to the Tofu,' Mr. Black said without looking up.  

            'Damn right!'  James said, he had eagerly joined in the ongoing battle of the Black men to rid the world of tofu.  Sirius just approached a painting in the back corner of his father's office- a portrait of a solemn looking woman sitting next to a hearty pile of biscuits and crumpets- and whispered the password.  James was very relieved to see a stockpile of food that could supply an army for several years.  

            'The house-elves change it out depending on what time of day it is,' Sirius explained as he grabbed a couple of hot buns and tossed one to James.  

            'Really?'  James asked with interest, 'what else have you got in there?'

            'See for yourself,' Sirius said through a mouthful of hot bun, stepping aside for James to see.  While the Black's secret store of food was nothing like the Hogwarts kitchens, it would definitely suffice for the length of the holiday.  In addition to regular breakfast and lunch foods, there was a variety of crisps, fizzy drinks, cakes, wizarding sweets, and, of course, chocolate.  James barely had time to grab a handful of chocolate frogs before Sirius snapped the portrait shut, just as the door to the study burst open.

            'What'd you do that for, Mel?'  Sirius asked angrily, 'we thought you were Mum come to shut us down, I-'

            'I don't care what you thought, Sirius.  Have you seen my briefcase?'  Melanie snapped angrily, searching the room for her case.

            'I don't know.  What does it look like?'  Sirius asked casually, leaning against James.

            'You know perfectly well what it looks like.  D'you know where it _is_.  The twins were looking at it earlier, and I don't trust them as far as I can throw _you_.'  Melanie said coldly, now looking beneath the various furnishings of her father's office.  Mr. Black still ignored everything and continued reading his paper.  

            'Oh, y'mean _that_ briefcase?  James and I saw it, didn't we James?'  Sirius said, nudging James in the ribs.  

            'Oh, yeah, we saw it just a few moments ago.'  James said, trying to stay out of this argument but enjoying Melanie's plight nonetheless.

            'I think the twins were, er, _using_ it.  That wasn't _your_ phsyco-analysis of the human brain term paper, was it?'  Sirius grinned maliciously, 'I think the twins might have added a bit to your thesis.'

            'Why didn't you _stop_ them, you cocky bastard!' She yelled, 'That took me _weeks_ to write, and I did it on a typewriter.  I'll have to re-do the whole thing!'

            'Whoa, Mel, I thought it must have been _their_ term paper, you know how precocious those twins are.  How silly of me!'  Sirius grinned even more widely.  

            'Buh- uh- argh!  _You!_'  Melanie sputtered incoherently, before running at Sirius and furiously beating her fists again his chest.  Since she was so much smaller than Sirius, this did not have the effect she desired.  Instead of feeling pain, Sirius smiled at James and looked down at her.  

            'Hold up, Mel.  You're going to hurt yourself again; remember what happened last time.'  He said amusedly.  

            'I-don't-care!'  She said through gritted teeth, still trying to hurt Sirius in some way.  

            'Calm down, you're in no way threatening to anyone at all.  You'd better go get your paper before the twins destroy it entirely.'  He said, swiftly grabbing her wrists to prevent her from causing any more harm to herself.  

            'Fine, where did they go?'  Melanie asked, not making eye-contact with Sirius.

            'Out in the garden, to play, I think,' Sirius pointed towards the ajar door he and James had come in through.

            'I hate you,' she hissed, brushing past him and James and calling murderously to the twins.  

            'Perhaps we ought to go outside, Katherine might be a bit upset if Mel kills her kids.'  Sirius told James, following Melanie.  Before they had even reached the door, they heard shouts of rage, followed by crying children.  James and Sirius stood still, waiting.

            'Should we go and see if they're OK?'  James whispered.

            'Hush, just wait,' Sirius answered.  A few minutes passed by with more screaming and crying before the twins ran past Sirius and James into the house, tears streaking their faces and loud wails escaping their mouths.  Melanie came a few moments after, white as a sheet and clutching armfuls of wet paper, defaced by various colours of crayon and lipstick.  

            'What did you _do_,' Sirius asked quietly.  Melanie stared tight-lipped at him, before she brushed past and stalked off to her room.

            'Wow, your sister makes small children cry…' James said uncertainly.

            'That's Mel for you, she can reduce anyone at all to tears.  It's a gift, really.  She made poor old Flitwick cry in her fifth year.  Poor bloke shut himself in his room for a week…'  Sirius said, looking thoughtful.

            'Oh, so that's why Charms was cancelled that week in second year.'  James mused.

            'Yeah, I just didn't want to admit it to anyone.  The less people know about my sisters the better!'  Sirius said decisively, 'Want to get something more to eat?'  

            'OK.'

****

            'Lunch time!'  Mrs. Black called merrily from the kitchen as Sirius and James finished stuffing their pockets with sweets from Mr. Black's vault.  You would expect, in a house containing Sirius Black, that the dining room at this point would be full and busy; the discovery of tofu, however, put a damper on everyone's desire to eat meals.  In a few moments, the five Blacks and the four Maloneys (for that was Katherine's husband, Sean's, surname) all trickled into the dining room and sat down to a lovely late lunch of tofu lasagna.  James tried very hard not to retch as he sat down, and took his only consolation in that he had a large supply of biscuits and scones in his pocket.

            Mrs. Black carried the dish to the table and set it down with relish as soon as everyone was seated.  Everyone but Mr. Black moved back visibly from it.  It would have been one thing if the lasagna merely tasted bad, but however, it looked awful as well.  

            'Now, what sort of lasagna did you say this was, Mum?'  Melanie asked tentatively, wrinkling her nose at it.

            'Oh, it's _tofu_ lasagna.  I saw a recipe for it in a cooking magazine,' Mrs. Black told her eagerly, spooning out great heaps of it onto each of their plates.

            'Mum, I'm on a starvation diet right now, so I don't think I'll be having any lunch,' Melanie said, holding up her hand to stop her mother from adding any of the fiendish health food to her plate.  Sirius had already wolfed his own portion down, and was presently trying to wash his mouth out.

            'Oh, Sirius dear, you've finished already?  Why don't you take Melanie's piece?'  Mrs. Black said, turning to him and beginning to put the bit she had cut for Melanie onto his plate.

            'Quite alright, Mum, it was very filling.  Couldn't eat another bite,' Sirius answered, covering his plate with his hands so his mum couldn't get any ideas.  

            'Ryan, why don't _you_ take Mel's bit, then?  You're nearly finished and I know how much you love the tofu.'  Mrs. Black slopped the disgusting pasta onto Mr. Black's plate without even waiting for a reply.

            'Of course I want more.  I love the tofu.'  Mr. Black said resignedly, picking up his silverware.  James then decided that Mr. Black was the bravest man he had ever met…or else the most cowed.  It seemed that Sirius had inherited his lead stomach from his father, as Mr. Black had now eaten a large amount of the putrid food and had failed to yet turn green at all.  

            'James, dear-'  Mrs. Black now rounded on James, but James cut her off-

            'No, no.  I am on a starvation diet as well.  I'm obese and need to lose weight.  Isn't that right, Sirius?'

            'Oh, yes.  James is two-hundred pounds overweight and can't eat anything at all.  Madam Pomfrey wrote to his parents it's so bad!'  Sirius embellished.  

            'Oh…I see,' Mrs. Black said, before sitting down quietly and eating.  James glared at Sirius, he didn't like Mrs. Black's cooking but he did like Mrs. Black and had no desire to offend her; he began to feel very guilty now, so kicked Sirius hard under the table.

            'OW!  Oi, James, what was that for, eh?'  Sirius complained loudly.  

            'I'll tell you _later_,' James muttered from the corner of his mouth.  

            'Mummy, could I have some cake?'  Samantha piped up, looking down at her plate with disgust.  

            'Yes, honey.  I baked a big yummy carrot cake just for you,' Mrs. Black said, pinching her youngest daughter's cheek.

            'Oh… no chocolate?'  She asked hopefully.

            'No, dear.  The tofu tastes much better in carrot cake than it does in chocolate,' Mrs. Black said as all heads raised and stared at her in shock.

            'You put tofu in the _cake_?'  Katherine asked incredulously.

            'Yes, it makes it much healthier, dear,' Mrs. Black told her, continuing to eat off her own plate.  

            'Mummy, would you fix me a sandwich?'  Samantha persisted, peering up at her mother with practiced puppy-dog eyes.

            'No, Sammy, eat your lasagna, it's good for you,' her mother answered.

            'But it's _yucky_.'  Samantha complained, letting out a painful whimper when she poked the lasagna with her fork, and it hissed back.  

            'Mum?'  the eleven-year-old Brianna interrupted.

            'Yes?'  Mrs. Black said mildly, she was, by now, very used to meals being argumentative affairs.

            'Mum, Katherine is feeding her lunch to the dogs,' she tattled, as Katherine quickly withdrew her plate from beneath the table.

            'I wasn't!'  She said shiftily.

            'Yes you were, I saw you do it!'  Brianna accused.

            'Well, _you've_ put _your_ lunch in your napkin,' Katherine said, drawing attention away from herself.  

            'I have not!'  Brianna flushed, her eyes widening as she swiftly dragged her napkin from view.

            'Let's see it then,' Katherine held out her hand and beckoned for her younger sister to hand her the damning evidence.

            'I don't have to prove anything to you,' she hissed, crossing her arms; Brianna didn't say anything else for the rest of the meal.

            'Sean!'  Mrs. Black now addressed Katherine's husband and ended this argument, 'would you like any more?'

            'No thank you, Cornelia.  It was quite filling, really.'  Sean said politely, he had cleaned his plate but had also turned a nasty shade of chartreuse.  James was puzzled for a moment at who Cornelia might be, before he realised that 'Mrs,' was hardly Sirius' mum's first name.  

            At that moment, Lucy and Louis burst into the dining room; it seemed they had escaped yet again from their magically locked playpen.  

            'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!' They shrieked in unison, running around the table with their small arms waving wildly about.  

            'Lucy!  Louis! Stop that immediately!  I told you to stay put and take a nap!'  Katherine chided getting up to grab them.

            'Don't bother, Kate, I've an idea,' Sirius grinned maliciously, 'hey kids, I've got something for you!'  The twins immediately stopped screaming and ran up to Sirius looking curious and excited.

            'What have you got Uncle Sihwus?'  Louis asked, his mouth hanging open with his finger hanging loosely from his teeth.

            'Is it chocolate, Uncle Sihwus, is it chocolate!?'  Lucy added, bouncing up and down.

            'No, it's _better_ than chocolate,' Sirius laughed evilly and handed a plate of lasagna to the twins.  They immediately began gorging themselves, and Sirius drew back in abhorrence as flecks of the stuff flew off onto the floor.  It was a few moments of frenzied eating before the twins stopped suddenly.  Both of them turned green and sank to the floor, groaning, their eyelids drooping.

            'Mum, could you possibly give me the recipe for this stuff?'  Katherine asked, pointing down to her plate.

****

            James awoke the next morning to a delicious smell of bacon and eggs wafting up the stairs into Sirius' bedroom.

            'Sirius, wake up!'  James said urgently tapping Sirius on the shoulder.

            'T's wrong, Prongs?'  Sirius slurred groggily.

            'What's that smell?'  James asked him nervously.

            'Huh?'  Sirius said, perking up as he sniffed the air, 'Ah, that's breakfast!  Let's go.'

            'But isn't your mum cooking?'  James ventured.

            'Yup, but she cooks _good_ breakfast,' Sirius told him, quickly getting up and pulling on his clothes.

            'I don't believe you,' James said suspiciously, 'you're just trying to trick me- I don't want to eat any more of the tofu, _ever_ again.'

            'Suit yourself, but I'm going to go and grab some breffie.'  With that Sirius got up and left, James following a little behind.  As they walked into the kitchen, James looked around in awe: he had expected some grand tofu 'masterpiece,' but found instead heaping piles of bacon, sausages, eggs, toast, fried potatoes, buns- all dripping in grease.

            'Where's the tofu?'  James asked poking his finger at the eggs in accusation.  

            'Oh, we don't serve the tofu for _breakfast_, dear.  We save it for the other meals,' Mrs. Black said, already fixing up two plates for them.  

            'Really?'  James said in disbelief, taking the plate that Mrs. Black handed him, 'Alright!'  

            'But I thought you were on a starvation diet, James?  Sirius said that food makes you feel ill.'  Mrs. Black said smiling, watching as James eagerly tore into the food.

            'Er- I just can't eat after noon is all.  I can eat whatever I want in the morning,' James explained.

            'Yes,' Sirius added, 'Madam Pomfrey gave him a strict diet regime to follow.  I believe no tofu was the number one rule.'  Sirius always had a habit of embellishing James' lies so that no one could ever possibly believe them.  Most people assumed this was unintentional on Sirius' part, but James thought he knew better.  When the lies really mattered however, Sirius was quite good at making up believable stories as well.  

            'Alright, James,' Mrs. Black said, handing a plate to Sirius.  She looked slightly repulsed at Sirius' dog-like eating habits, but didn't comment.  

            'Hey James,' Sirius began through a mouthful of eggs.

            'Yes?'  James answered, waiting until _after he had swallowed._

            'D'you want to go and play quidditch after breakfast?  Dad set up some goals since last time you were here.'  Sirius told James, without stopping his frenetic eating.

            'Sure, you can even have my old broom if you like.  My father sent me a new one as an early Christmas present before the last game.'  James said wistfully.  He appreciated all the things his father sent him, but really wished that he could have a family more like Sirius'.  

            'Really?!  But you just got that broom this year!  Isn't it the latest model of the Nimbus 1000?'  Sirius said excitedly.  He didn't play on the house quidditch team- he was far too cool for that- but he really loved flying and playing when he wasn't in the public eye.  

            James rolled his eyes at the thought of a new broom.  His father always bought him new brooms; he had, at an early age, stopped admiring the fine polish on the broom handles, and long ago the soaring feeling of trying out a new broom had left him.  

            'Yeah, you can have it,' James said, trying very hard to keep the bitterness out of his voice, 'are you done eating _yet?'_

            'I was waiting for you!  Let's go!'  Sirius said bounding up the stairs happily and digging through James' trunk.  He held up James' Nimbus 1000 triumphantly and waited impatiently for James to follow.  James dragged out his new, magnificent broom and started down the stairs.

            'Oh, are you boys going out to play?'  Mrs. Black asked, busy making a plate of carrots, 'I hope you'll be warm enough- have you gotten your scarves and jackets?'  

            'Yes Mum,' Sirius sighed, holding out his arms to show her just how bundled up he was.

            'I just don't want my little star to get cold,' she said, pushing back his bangs and kissing his forehead.  Sirius' face turned the same crimson as his scarf and he muttered,

            'Why do you always say that, what did I tell you earlier?'

            'I'm so sorry, poppet.  I want to respect your masculinity; I won't do it anymore if you don't want me to.  I fancy you'll get rather cold, though, if you don't wear your scarf,' Mrs. Black said worriedly, licking her thumb and scrubbing a smudge of dirt on Sirius' face.

            'Mum!  Get off!  No more!  I'm going out now!'  Sirius said finally, crossing his arms angrily and shuffling off with James dragging behind.  James smiled as Sirius stalked off towards the back door, letting out vehement huffs, while vigorously rubbing his face to get his mother's saliva off of it.  

            'C'mon, Sir.  She just doesn't want her _little star to catch cold,' James mocked, then licking his own thumb and bringing it towards Sirius' face._

            'Gerroff, James, it isn't funny!'  Sirius growled, throwing the porch door open and storming off.  James giggled, then chased after Sirius with his thumb extended.

            'Come on, poppet, I'll respect your masculinity,' James continued, still reaching out for Sirius face.  Sirius danced out of reach and then said, anger rising in his tone,

            'Really, you're a disgusting freak.  Stop that _now.'_

            'Make me.'  James replied, tauntingly raising an eyebrow.  

            'Oh, I will,' Sirius smirked, raising his new broom as if to beat James across the face with it. 

            'Calm down now, Sir, no need to get upset.  I was just playing about, you know.  No reason for violence,' James called over his shoulder as Sirius swatted at him with the broom, 'C'mon, you don't want to hurt your brand new broom, do you?'  At this Sirius stood still, gingerly set his broom on the ground, and quickly resumed his manic chase.

            It was quite a comical sight Mrs. Black witnessed as she glanced out of her kitchen window.  James, who happened to be much faster than Sirius due to his lighter weight, was running round and round in circles with Sirius following behind.  This would have been quite unremarkable, had they not both been slipping and sliding across the ice.  Sirius in particular seemed to have difficulty grasping that he had no traction, and fell down repeatedly.  Eventually, it set in upon Sirius that there was no way he could beat James in a foot race.  He let out a cry of exertion and leaped at James, throwing his arms round James' ankles.  

            James wavered for a few moments, before toppling over and landing with his face planted firmly in the snow.  Sirius thought for a moment, about whether this was worth a fight over, but quickly decided that he could take any revenge James could dish out, and so grabbed James' arm, pinning it behind him.  James sputtered as his face was pushed farther into the biting morning frost.

            'Say uncle!'  Sirius called down to him.

            'No!'  Came James' muffled reply from beneath the thick white blanket of snow.  

            'Say uncle!'  Sirius repeated.  

            'Never!'  James cried out again.  

            'Say it!  Say uncle!'  Sirius said, wrenching James' arm into the small of his back.

            'Oh, fine, but can we please just go and play quidditch now?'  James said plaintively.  

            'No!  You have to say 'uncle.''  Sirius told him, now sitting on his back to hold him down.

            'Ow, Sirius, your two-hundred pounds of non-muscle are crushing my spine,'  James grunted, swallowing a considerable amount of frozen water.

            'I don't think you understand.  You say 'uncle,' and I'll get off your back.  It's very simple, really.'  Sirius explained, crossing one of his legs as he sat, slowly crushing his friend.

            'Mmf!'  James exclaimed through his nose.  

            'Oh, fine.  I give up, you're terrible at this.  Never play this game again.'  Sirius resigned, getting up and collecting his new broom.  

            'Ewww!'  James snorted, trying to blow the snow out of his nose, 'I don't think snow is the only thing out in your yard.'

            'Well, what do you expect, we fertilise the garden,' Sirius snickered, tossing his new broom between his hands to get a feel for its weight.  

            'That's disgusting!  D'you mean to tell me that I have _shit up my nose?'  James said, trying even harder to get the clod of something out of his nasal cavities.  _

            'Well, yeah,' Sirius laughed, putting his hands in his pockets, 'that, and Mum puts her leftovers in the fertiliser; apparently the tofu is 'good' for the plants and vegetables as well.' 

            'Ugh!'  James said, letting out a final groan before accepting the fact that the thing- whatever it was- was not coming out anytime soon.  James looked round and noticed that, although it was not in any way healthy for humans, the tofu was doing a very good job on the plants.  All of Mrs. Blacks herbs, shrubs, bushes, and other various flora were grossly over-sized and were all fitted with their own sets of ear-muffs, scarves, mittens, and pairs of Sirius' old underpants.

            'So, d'you want to go play quidditch or what?'  Sirius said, trying to distract James from the skivvies that covered up a large plant.

            'Are those _yours?' James asked incredulously, pointing at the Kaptain Kangaroo undergarments._

            'NO!'  Sirius lied, turning very red.

            'Then whose are they?'  James teased, then when there was no response, 'You don't have any brothers, and I highly doubt that your father has ever owned Kaptain Kangaroo skivvies.'  Sirius mumbled something about Melanie really being a man.

            'I think that we should go and play now,' Sirius told James, his knuckles very white round his broom.  

            'Alright, but I fancy I can beat you,' James said, grabbing the quaffle from the Black's quidditch box, quickly taking off and twirling round arrogantly.  Sirius knew very well that James could beat him, but that didn't stop Sirius from cheating in every way possible to try to win.

            'I fancy I'll knock you down first,' Sirius said, kicking off the ground as well, momentarily amazed at the precision of his new broom.  James tossed the quaffle from hand to hand, holding it out as if to dare Sirius to take it.

            'First to five?'  James said, watching amusedly as Sirius eyes followed the red, football-sized quaffle.     

            'Oh, I thought you wanted to play for more than half a moment, James,' Sirius stated; he tried to put on an air of being much better than James at all times.

            'You're right, it _would only take me half a moment to get five past you.  I'd almost forgotten how awful of a Keeper you are.'  James needled, knowing very well that Sirius was probably good enough to play on the house team.  Sirius honestly believed that he was 'too cool' for the house team- that, and Madam Hooch had banned him from the quidditch pitch after the first set of try-outs in second year.  Apparently, she didn't take kindly to having the entire pitch turned red and gold.  She also didn't like having every single ball charmed to chase James- before every match.  However, with the help of James' invisibility cloak and the Marauder's Map, there was not much she could do to stop him.  _

            'I'm a bloody good Keeper!  S'not my fault Hooch has no sense of humour!'  Sirius said defensively, colour rising in his face.  

            'Prove it,' James challenged, flying towards the goals and hurling the quaffle towards them at full speed.  Sirius watched from his place below James as the red ball whizzed through the middle goal and landed on the ground several hundred yards away.  

            'Wait a bloody moment!  I wasn't even in front of the goals yet, you can't _do_ that!'  Sirius gestured towards the three goal posts, 'And you're going to go and get the bloody quaffle.  I'm not flying all the way over there when you're the one that cheated.'

            'One-zero to me,' James grinned.

            'No!  It doesn't count, we hadn't begun yet.'  Sirius yelled after James.  James retrieved the quaffle quickly.

            'Keep your shirt on,' James said, his eyes trained on the quaffle as he attempted to spin it round on one finger, 'Do really keep it on, though, for the sake of all that is decent in the world.  I was only warming up; besides, I don't need that goal to beat _you_.'

            'That's it!  I'm going to beat your arse into the ground and you'll rue the day you were brought into this world,'  Sirius' teeth were barred in a very dog-like way, and despite the fact that he looked, quite frankly, dangerous, James cocked an eyebrow.

            'Oh?  Really?  Well, let's get started, then.'  With that, a fast paced, furious battle took place between the two friends.  James was quite clearly the better quidditch player, but Sirius had the habit of pushing James down to free up the goals.

            After a particularly violent push from Sirius, sending James sprawling towards the ground, James called out angrily.

            'Hey!  What'd you do _that_ for, eh?  I quite nearly landed on my head!  _Stop fouling!_'

            'Quidditch is a contact sport, James, suck it up!'  Sirius said seriously.

            'It's not!  What are you talking about?!'  James said, rubbing his shoulder where Sirius had punched him earlier.

            'Sorry, I just can't help myself.  It's allowed in rugby.'  Sirius said, looking at least a bit sorry.

            'Rugby?'  James wrinkled his nose, 'what's rugby?' 

            'It's only the best sport in the world!'  Sirius explained, 'It's just like quidditch in the muggle world, only it…well…OK, it's not at all like quidditch.  But you're allowed to beat people up!  In fact, it's encouraged!'

            'Ah, I bet you're wonderful at that game, Padfoot,' James rolled his eyes.

            'Yes, I am.  Mum signed me up on a muggle team when I was only five,' Sirius remembered, 'she loves rugby, my mum; she's a bit fanatic really.'  James tried very hard to imagine Mrs. Black, the same woman who put mittens on her plants, cheering on some sort of brawling sport.  It took a bit, but once the image formed in his head, he couldn't help but laugh.  

            'Alright,' James said, still chuckling a bit, 'let's get back to the game: three-one to me.'   

            'You're about to get taught a few things about backyard quidditch, my dear Prongs,' Sirius remarked snidely, preparing to take a shot on James.

            'You're all talk, let's just get this over with, shall we?  I'm hungry, and I'll be through winning in a few moments if you hurry up a bit.'  James taunted, guarding the goal posts almost lazily.  Without further comment, Sirius charged James and attempted to thro the quaffle with all his might past James.  James caught it easily and tossed it back.

            'Bloody hell, James, are you some sort of _machine_?  No one is that good.  Let me have another go, you cheated that time!'  Sirius prepared to throw the small red ball again.  James caught it yet again, causing Sirius to let out a sound of frustration.  James, thoroughly enjoying Sirius' irritation, tossed the quaffle back to him and motioned for him to try again.  

            This time however, instead of aiming for a goal, Sirius threw the quaffle directly at James' head.  Taken aback, James had no time to respond and so he took the blow square in the forehead.  Sirius watched in horror as James fell to the ground, not having enough composure to slow him down before he made very solid contact with the ground.  

            Sirius landed lightly and knelt down next to James.  His eyes were open and he _was_ breathing, but he had a strange, glazed looked in his eyes.  

            'James?'  Sirius croaked, ghostly pale and staring at James with wide eyes.  Sirius prodded James a bit, muttering to himself, 'Prongs, if you can hear me, blink!'  James turned his head round to better face Sirius then enunciated very slowly and precisely.

            'You'd better leave.'

            'Oh, good, you can speak!  How are you?  Is anything broken?'  Sirius asked, relief showing on every part of his face.  

            'You'd better leave.'  James repeated.

            'Why?  D'you need me to go get help?  You're not paralysed, are you?'  Sirius said, worry replacing his relief.  

            'You'd better leave.'

            'Why!?'

            'Because, if you don't, I fancy I might beat your brains out,' James said monotonously, lying immutable on the snow covered pitch.  

            'Why would you hit _me?  It was your own fault you fell like that,' Sirius stated angrily.  James blinked at him, then started chuckling.  _

            'Er- I hope that there is a _good reason for your laughing.  I mean, you haven't cracked, have you?'  Sirius said awkwardly, looking down at James prone form with deep concern in his eyes._

            'Oh, there's a reason,' James said softly, then grabbed Sirius behind the knees, pulling him to the ground with a loud _thump_!

            'Ah!  What'd you do that for!?'  Sirius cried out as James rolled over and began pummeling him mercilessly.  Sirius, who didn't really feel pain but still liked to complain, yelled again, 'really!  I don't think I've done anything to deserve this.'

            'Oh, you haven't done a single thing,' James said sarcastically, 'I thoroughly enjoy being fouled repeatedly, hit in the head with a rock-like ball, then thrown twenty meters to the ground.' 

            'Well, I'm glad you've come to terms with this, James.  Why don't you stop hitting me?'  Sirius said, puzzled that James would continue beating him after he had just said he _liked to be hurt in that fashion._

            'Argh!  You are annoying!  I was being _sarcastic_.  I'm injured, and it's because of you,' James said, smacking him across the face in retaliation.

            'Oh, well how was I supposed to know that?  Say what you _mean next time, James.  You know I don't understand lies, deception, and sarcasm- they're very foreign to me,' seeing that James was showing no signs of stopping, 'just stop.  You're going to hurt yourself.  You hit like my sister!'  _

            'No, you just don't feel anything- you get hit so often you've grown immune.'  James said through gritted teeth as he attempted to pummel Sirius.  Now it was Sirius turn to chuckle, 'what're you laughing at star-boy?'

            'Oh, nothing.  It's just that every time I play quidditch it ends in violence.'  Sirius told him.

            'What d'you mean?'  James asked pausing his hammering on Sirius chest.

            'Well, other than all the times I've played with you, and other people at school, there was this one time with Brianna…' Sirius began, grinning.  

            'Don't tell me you hit your little sister?!'  James cried out in disbelief.

            'Oh, no.  Nothing like that.  It was just this one time, when I wanted to practice, I had her play Keeper.  Apparently I throw the quaffle very hard.  Upon impact with her hands, both of her wrists shattered and she broke both her arms- one of them in two places.  She fell off the broom as well.  It wasn't pretty.  That was the only time I can recall Mum ever being truly angry…' Sirius recounted nostalgically.  

            'That's awful! Now, when was this?'  James asked as Sirius trailed off.

            'Ah…I don't know.  I was probably nine…maybe ten.  Mum never let Bri back on a broomstick, and she hasn't been on one since.  Not even for first year flying lessons with Hooch- Mum sent a note.'  Sirius laughed again.

            'You're insane…' James mused.

            'You know, I've heard that before, and probably will hear it many times in the future,' Sirius pulled James back to his feet, 'Let's go and eat!  I'm starving!'  James seemed very crestfallen at this; from the look on his face, Sirius could tell that James was very hungry and not at all looking forward to his mother's cooking, 'don't worry, James.  We're not going through the kitchen at all- we're going to Dad's study.'

            Mrs. Black, as she stood over the counter in her favourite Christmas apron chopping up carrots to put in her tofu stew and humming contentedly her favourite Christmas tune, did not in the slightest notice that two extremely wet, dirty teenagers 'snuck' across her kitchen into her husband's study.

END OF CHAPTER ONE

A/N: As you can see, our chapters are much longer in this fic than our last one so our updates will be a little more spread out than some may like; that and we're working on this fic as well as another one called 'Close Every Door' in which we're trying our hand at non-humourous and much darker writing. Anyways, we just wanted to remind you how very egotistical we are and how we'd love to get your reviews!

-Hillary and Jess


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related themes, ideas, characters, and other miscellaneous things pertaining to Harry Potter are not owned by Hillary or Jess. In fact, they belong to J.K. Rowling, her publishers, and Warner Brothers. 

A Very Sirius Christmas 

****

Chapter II 

'Say 'uncle!'' 

'No!'

'Say it!'

'Never!'

'C'mon, I'm not going to let you go until you say it!'

'Get off me now! I'm not going to say it! I can outlast _you_!'

James awoke uneasily as angry voices drifted into Sirius' bedroom. 

'Wha's going on?' he asked Sirius, only to find that his bed was empty and the door was ajar. 

'If you don't say it, then we'll stay here all day!'

'I'm not going to say it! You can't make me- OW!'

James quickly pulled on his jumper and groped around in the dark for his glasses. Upon finding them, he opened the door to the hallway and looked around for whatever was making the noise.

'OW!! You're going to break my back!'

'Not if you just say 'uncle.''

'I won't give you the satisfaction!'

James followed the shouts down the stairs and into the Black's den. The sight that here met his eyes would cause him to laugh in later hours- hell, it caused him to laugh right when he first saw it.

As was to be expected, Sirius was in a brawl with one of his family members. As was not to be expected, Sirius was the one in the headlock. His eldest sister Katherine had leapt onto his back, with one hand she had pinned both of his arms down, and with the other she firmly held his neck in the crook of her arm. Remarkably enough, Sirius had yet to fall to the ground, even though he was supporting her entire weight with his spine. 

'Damnit, Kate, get off!' Sirius squirmed, attempting to free his arms from her grasp. 

'I don't think so, this is entirely too much fun,' Katherine told him, tightening her hold on his neck. 

'Wow, Katherine, what did he do to deserve _that_?' James said, entering the room and watching Sirius get a small taste of his own medicine.

'Oh, nothing. I just felt like doing it,' Katherine grinned as her 'baby' brother cursed some more.

'James!' Sirius pleaded, seeing his friend, 'you've got to get her off me! She's going to _kill_ me, then who'll be your best friend, eh?'

'Oh, I'm sure Moony will be more than happy to fill your spot. Besides, all you have to do is say 'uncle,' don't you know how to play this game?' James mocked. Sirius' position did seem to be a painful one, but James was enjoying it entirely too much.

'Er- what's going on in here?' All eyes swept to the door, where Katherine's husband, Sean, was now standing, a quizzical look in his eyes.

'Oh! Sean, honey, I didn't know you were awake!' Katherine sputtered as she quickly released Sirius and jumped from his back. 

'All right, well, I was just going to ask you if you had the twins… I can't seem to find them anywhere,' Sean said matter-of-factly.

'Damn, well we'd better go and find them. Mel is still really mad from yesterday…apparently the kids destroyed her term paper,' Katherine said gravely, 'I just hope they haven't gotten into the chocolate again.' She stalked off to find her children, beckoning for her husband to follow. Sean shot another puzzled look at Sirius, then quickly followed Katherine to find their twin terrors. 

'Did you honestly just get beat up by a _girl_? I'm ashamed that I've _ever_ been beat up by _you_ before,' James grinned as soon as Sirius' family was out of earshot. 

'She's not a _girl_- she's a mother of two, there's a difference!' Sirius explained loudly.

'Oh? A difference you say? Now, pray tell, what difference might _that_ be?' James said, still chuckling over the sight of Katherine on Sirius' back.

'Mother's can pack a wallop! They can! You think that your sister would be all sweet and serene when she's going to have a baby, but no! The primal instincts set in and they turn into great mad mother bears!' Sirius continued, 'Honestly, James, if that woman ever gets pregnant again, heads will roll! But just imagine- what if _Mel got pregnant, eh?'_

'Yeah, I reckon that wouldn't turn out pretty for anyone,' James said, thinking of how angry Melanie was over her briefcase, and how she made the children burst into tears.

'Just promise me something, Prongs. You have to _swear _it. When Lily gets pregnant-' Sirius began, before James interrupted violently.

'Woah! Stop _now_! Wait a second, hold on- Lily and I aren't married or anything. I really hope you're not suggesting that-'

'What is it that I'm not suggesting, James?' Sirius said playfully.

'Well, Lily and I aren't, well, _you know_,' James tried, hoping that Sirius would catch on.

'What do I _know_?' Sirius said leaning towards James and making a face.

'You know perfectly well what and I'm not going to say it, no matter what,' James finished. 

'Ohhh! You mean the two of you haven't had _sex. I understand now. Well, that is extremely surprising, I was sure that you both were firm believers in free love. I am completely shocked,' Sirius said sarcastically, then, upon noticing her entrance, added faintly, 'Oh, hi Bri.'_

'Brianna, were you listening to what Sirius just said?' James asked her fearfully.

'Yes…' Brianna answered, Sirius made a motion as though he wished to stop James from speaking.

'Well, you're not to repeat it to _anyone_. Do you understand?' James solicited. Sirius held his head in his hands and let out a deep sigh for James plight. 

'Alright, I won't!' Brianna piped cheerfully, a twinkle in her eye as if Christmas had come early. Sirius had a feeling that, inside of ten minutes, the whole house would know all about James' abstinence.

'Bri, is there anything in particular you want, or have you just come to eavesdrop?' Sirius asked bluntly. 

'Oh, right. Mum sent me to tell you that Cestie is coming, so, 'you'd better smarten up,'' Brianna recited, still grinning at James in an embarrassed sort of way.

'Oh no, not _her_,' James and Sirius said in unison. Cestie was what Sirius and his sisters called their grandmother on their father's side; her name was actually Celestia. She was an extremely cranky old witch, with exceptionally thick glasses that did absolutely nothing for her poor vision, an even crankier old cat, and a cane that she used to hit people with. She didn't really need the cane, as she traveled around in a wheelchair, but insisted on using it nonetheless. It was a habit of hers to offer moldy crisps to various inanimate objects and get all of her children and grandchildren mixed up. 

'When is she going to come?' Sirius asked in just above a whisper. 

'Today,' Brianna said grimly. 

'Today…' James and Sirius exchanged dark looks, then Sirius continued in a hushed voice, 'how long do we have?'

'Two hours,' Brianna told him with the air of a doctor telling someone they only had six months to live.

'My life is forfeit! James, we only have two hours left!' Sirius whined. 

'Does she still have that awful cat?' James asked, dreading the answer. 

'Of course she still has that cat! The cat's immortal, I swear. It's going to live forever…just like Cestie.' 

'Damn, I'm allergic to cats, and that cat has unnaturally attached itself to me. I think it knows that I'm allergic to it, so it follows me around,' James told Sirius angrily. 

'I know, James, I know,' Sirius said, patting him on the back, 'who invited the old bat anyway, Bri?'

'No one invites her, Sirius, she just comes. She's like a plague,' Brianna explained unhappily. 

'Ok, well, thanks Cheese, you can go now,' Sirius dismissed.

'Who's Cheese?' James asked, wrinkling his nose.

'Cheese,' Sirius pointed to Brianna. James didn't say anything, and still looked confused. Sirius gave a pained sigh, 'you know, 'Brianna,' 'Brie,' 'Cheese?''

'Ah.'

'It's a really _stupid_ nickname that Sirius uses. _I_ don't find it funny at all,' Brianna said, crossing her arms and stalking out of the room. 

'I think it's funny as hell,' Sirius commented, shrugging, before his face fell again, 'two hours…' he shuddered. 

****

'Everyone! Cestie'll be here in five minutes! Hurry down to the drawing room!' Mrs. Black called up the stairs, where all of her children and James were hurriedly getting ready. Cestie didn't like dirt, messiness, or unpolished shoes, and that cane really did hurt. 

All of the kids, upon hearing this, scrambled down the stairs and into the drawing room. Mr. Black was already seated on the couch, perusing a copy of the _Daily Prophet_, while Mrs. Black was nervously straightening the furniture. She heaved with exhaustion upon attempting to move the large couch, which Mr. Black was still seated upon.

'Darling, it really doesn't matter. Cestie will never know,' Mr. Black said as his wife continued to struggle with the sofa. 

'Oh, she'll know, Ryan, she'll know,' Mrs. Black said in a scared voice. Cestie was particularly malevolent towards her, since she was a muggle. 

'Well, let me do it, then, Cornelia. You're going to hurt yourself,' Mr. Black stated, pulling out his wand and moving the couch with her directions.

All of the Black children stood in front of the mirror over the mantle, trying to make a few last moment improvements. Brianna and Melanie were fighting over a hairbrush, as Katherine attempted to magically clean the grass stains off of Louis and Lucy. Samantha complained loudly as Mrs. Black grabbed her and began to furiously wipe all traces of dirt from her face. James, however, was busy struggling with his hair. No matter what he did, it just wouldn't stay down. Sirius watched in amusement for a moment as James licked his hand and tried patting down his mane.

'Just give it up,' Sirius said along with the mirror. Sirius then proceeded to rumple James' hair back to an even worse condition. Sirius laughed again as James desperately seized Brianna's brush and attempted again to fix his unruly hair. 

'She'll be here in two minutes! Everyone line up!' Mrs. Black called. 

All of the Black children, plus James, Sean, and the twins stood at attention as Mrs. Black swept over them, making some last minute adjustments. She gave Samantha a final spit bath, straightened Katherine's shirt, tucked Melanie's hair behind her ear, fixed Sirius' collar, tightened the buckle of Brianna's shoe, and attempted to flatten James' hair. After a few furious moments in which she tried everything she could think of, Mrs. Black gave up on James' hair and moved on to the twins. 

'Cornelia!' Mr. Black pointed towards the fireplace, 'quick, she's nearly here!' Mrs. Black gave a final look into the mirror to check her make-up, smoothed her apron and turned to find the foul-tempered old wench wheeling out of the grate. 

'Hullo Mum,' Mr. Black said in a cheerful voice, picking up her luridly flowered luggage and basket with her fat, dandruff-coloured cat.

'Here, Ryan, let me get those,' Sean offered, extending his hands to receive the heavy luggage.

'No, no,' Mrs. Black interrupted, 'I'll just nip those up to the spare bedroom.' She seized the luggage and quickly fled from the room, dragging the heavy parcels behind her. 

'Let me help you down from there, Mum,' Mr. Black said, stepping behind Cestie and beginning to push her away from the fire-place. 

'Let go of me, you fiend!!' Cestie hollered, waving her sharp cane around and catching Mr. Black several times in the head. 

'Mum! Mum- stop hitting me! It's me, Ryan!' Mr. Black explained, shielding his forehead. 

'Who?' Cestie inquired, allowing the hard cane to fall to her side, and looking around bemusedly. 

'_Ryan_,' Mr. Black repeated, then when there was no sign of recognition by Cestie, '_Orion? Your son?'_

'Oh, hello Gerald.' Cestie said lovingly, patting his arm. James and Sirius exchanged looks.

'We don't _have_ any relations called Gerald…' Sirius muttered.

'What was that, boy?!' Cestie croaked angrily, raising her cane and wheeling towards him threateningly.

'Er…nothing?' Sirius cringed, trying to make himself as small as possible- a considerable task, considering Sirius' size.

'Well, Sandra, I'll have none of your sass this time!' Cestie said, wildly waving her cane.

'It's Sirius,' Sirius murmured to the floor.

'What was that, Sandra?!' Cestie crowed.

'It's _Sirius_.'

'Who?'

'My name is Sirius, not Sandra,' Sirius persisted.

'Well, Sandra, stand up straight. You're slouching like a boy again,' Cestie said, hitting him in the small of the back with the omnipresent cane. Sirius stared for a moment, rubbing his back. He seemed to want to say something more, but instead, angrily bit his lip and tore his gaze away from his grandmother. 

'Mother, would you like to go into the kitchen for something to drink?' Mr. Black tried to distract Cestie from his children, 'I know how traveling by Floo makes you thirsty.'

'Where's that muggle?' Cestie snapped, peering around like a confused turtle through her useless glasses.

'Well, _Cornelia_, my_ wife, is upstairs putting your things away,' Mr. Black told her, trying not to get too angry. _

'Don't you let that muggle see any of my magical things, Gerald! We can't let the muggles find out about us- she might steal something!' Cestie cried indignantly, raising her cane. Brianna and Samantha were, by now, cowering behind James and Sirius' bigger frames, attempting to hide themselves from the wrath of their senile grandmother. Samantha had wrapped her arms around Sirius' leg and was silently begging for him to pick her up. Sirius picked her up easily and she immediately buried her small, black head into his jumper. Brianna slowly backed behind James and blushed furiously. 

'Didn't you say you were getting me a drink, Gerald?' Cestie said, slowly and magically revolving in her wheel chair. She ran over both of Melanie's feet and knocked over the twins with her cane as she headed towards Mr. Black. 'I want whisky!'

'Alright Mother, let's just get you into the kitchen and you can pick out what you want,' Mr. Black replied exasperatedly. Katherine ducked and Sean stepped back in alarm to avoid her merciless cane as she was wheeled away into the kitchen. 

As soon as the kitchen door closed behind Cestie a huge sigh of relief went through the room. Formerly good posture sank back to its usual standard and held-in stomachs were let back out. Mrs. Black peered into the room from the shadows of the stairwell. Cestie's yells could still be heard faintly from the interior of the kitchen, along with Mr. Black's protestations. 

'Oh, she's gone…' Mrs. Black said cautiously, timidly stepping out into the room, 'well, that wasn't so bad now, was it?' She added, straightening her apron. 

'Not that _you_ were here, though. Not that _you_ had to live through that,' Melanie hissed like a wounded goose. 

'Hey Mel, take it easy on Mum. If she tried to curse me into tomorrow every time I walked into the room, I'd probably leave too,' Sirius commented, trying to comfort Sammy as she silently sobbed into his jumper. Last time Cestie visited, she had set Sammy's black teddy bear, Snuffles, on fire- and it had squealed in pain until it was incinerated. This time, Sammy had very thoroughly hidden all of her stuffed animals prior to Cestie's arrival. Sirius wagged his eyebrows at James as Brianna attempted a similar action to Samantha's. When she was only five, Cestie had chopped most of her hair off, proclaiming that, 'that boy needs a haircut, Ryan, honestly, can't you take care of your children?' 

Katherine and Sean were attending to the twins; they looked as though they had seen a ghost, and no amount of explaining about Cestie could make them stop sniffling. Melanie scowled deeply and cursed at anyone who came near her- to most, this was not that much different than her usual behaviour.

'I know, kids! Why don't you get out of the house for a while! It'll be a family affair!' Mrs. Black said, clasping her hands together. 

'Family affair? What _kind_ of family affair?' Melanie asked skeptically, 'I hope you're not suggesting that we play quidditch… not with Sirius around at least.' Brianna shuddered involuntarily. 

'Oh no, honey, not quidditch. It's such a dangerous sport, not like rugby. I was thinking that you all might go to the cinema,' Mrs. Black suggested happily.

'The cinema?' James asked, as he often did when muggle topics came up, wrinkling his nose. 

'It's a muggle thing, James. It's like… it's like our photographs, only it tells a story, with sound… and it's longer… and bigger… and with people you don't know,' Sirius explained. At this, James seemed even more confused, so Sirius added, 'you'll just have to see it.'

'Mum, what's 'cindama?'' Samantha asked curiously.

'You'll just have to see it, Sammy,' Mrs. Black smiled, 'I remember last time we took Sirius to the cinema.' 

'So do I, Mum!' Sirius exclaimed, looking excited, 'we saw the 'Yellow Submarine,' with the _Beatles_! It was brilliant! Those Beatles _rock_!'

'Alright, let's go!' Katherine said. She'd only been to see a film twice in her life, and both times it was quite enjoyable.

'Go where!?' Cestie yelled as she wheeled back into the room, a brandy clutched firmly in her arthritic claws.

****

'Are you sure the handle won't work, Mum?' Mr. Black called through the door of the spare bedroom.

'No! It won't turn!' Cestie complained in her creaking voice. 

'Well, I don't know what we can do about it,' Mrs. Black said, trying not to laugh.

'Stand out of the way! I'll blast the door down!' Cestie called back.

'No, Mum, it's quite alright. I'll just send Sirius and James down to the locksmith's to get you out. The door is rather tricky sometimes, but we'll have you out of there in no time,' Mr. Black reassured. There was a moment of silence as Cestie deliberated; Mr. and Mrs. Black waited with bated breath to see what she would decide, backing away in case she was getting ready to blast the door down. 

'Fine! But you'd best hurry or I _will_ blast the door down,' Cestie's voice faded as she turned to switch the wireless on. A few seconds later the wireless began some sort of soap opera and they could hear Cestie's gurgling snores. 

'Quick, let's get out of here before she wakes up!' 

****

'I just want to let you know that I highly disapprove of what you did to Cestie and I think you've scarred the children for life,' Melanie said as the extended Black family drove towards town. 

'Oh, you wanted to do it as bad as we did,' Katherine said quickly.

'Mel, you're such a downer! Stop spreading your gloom. You'd better not ruin the film for me!' Sirius complained loudly. The car then hit a large pothole and Sirius' head made contact with the roof. Mrs. Black had inherited a puce-coloured 1950 Lincoln Continental from her father and Mr. Black had taken it upon himself to restore and update it. Now it comfortably seated fifteen, unfortunately, he had not yet thought to give it a new paint job.

The twins had asked to sit on James' lap when they first climbed into the Continental, and, although this was entirely unnecessary, James had agreed. The first order of business on the twin's agenda was taking away James' glasses, rendering him, for all intents and purposes, entirely blind. Louis held James' glasses up to his own face and peered through; James' high prescription, however, caused Louis to feel dizzy, and he nearly fell to the floor. While Louis distracted James in this way, Lucy proceeded to 'help' James' hair.

'Dames, you gots messy hair, doncha,' she told him, her chubby fist grabbing a section of James' hair and creating a new, most unnatural-looking cowlick at the apex of his head. She attempted to use her grape lolly-pop as an attractive hair bow for James. 

'Er- Lucy, might I have my glasses back? Ah, Louis, could you let go of my head? Um, well…' James scratched his head, attempting to discern which twin was which, and where his glasses had gotten to, 'couldn't you please, perhaps- OUCH! Bloody little blighter! Which of you did that?!' Louis and Lucy giggled at James, who was trying to glare at each of them in indignation but finding it difficult to focus for any length of time. Deciding that, as fun as it was, it was now time for them to stop harassing James by way of mocking his physical appearance, the twins now began a fresh attack- on James' ribs. 

As if a silent agreement had been made, the twins both started tickling James at the same time. They laughed more than ever as James writhed and squirmed under their torture. Sirius laughed, too, as he looked on; he knew James was too polite to ever tell them to stop when he was the guest.

'Kids!' Katherine reprimanded, laughing a bit as well, 'I don't think you ought to tickle James anymore.' Both twins stared up at their mother like puppies that had been told not to chew shoes. They settled in on either side of James, and were quite content for a short while, until-

'Hey, cut that out!' James protested, shoving a small hand away from his side. The twins had taken it upon themselves to poke James just beneath the ribs on either side. James tried for a while to stop them, but eventually gave up; choosing instead to resignedly stare straight ahead with a glazed expression- they still had his glasses after all.

Mrs. Black pulled the car up to the theater and found a parking space right in front of the colossal antique building.

'Oooooo! Mummy! What's that?!' Samantha pointed as she caught sight of the glittering lights which adorned the antique theater. 

'That's the cinema, dear,' Mrs. Black beamed at the amazed look on her youngest daughter's face.

'What? Where's the cinema?' James squinted. Louis had now seized James' wand, which had foolishly been placed in his pocket, and began prodding his glasses with it. After a few moments, the glasses sprouted out a handsome, bushy pair of green eyebrows. As James searched about with his hands, Sirius decided that enough was enough. 

'Louis, give those here,' he beckoned, stuffing a fist in his mouth as he tried not to laugh at the eyebrows. 

'Ok,' Louis shrugged, putting the glasses in Sirius' outstretched hand. Sirius then handed the glasses back to James. 

'Thanks!' James said, blinking as he readjusted his eyes to sight. He didn't at all notice the green eyebrows _or_ the purple lolly-pop sticking pointedly out of his hair. You would think that one might notice lime green eyebrows growing from one's glasses, however, James did not think to look up just now- the lights of the theater were much too distracting. Even if he had chanced a look up, his near-blindness probably would have prevented him from discerning the brows from his mussed up bangs. 

As soon as the family had all pulled various limbs and body parts out of the car, they walked towards the twinkling building, where a large sign proclaimed that 'Rocky' was 'Now Showing.'

****

'Roc-ky, Roc-ky, Roc-ky, Roc-ky,' Sirius stood up and chanted along with the film audience as Rocky Balboa struggled to win. Samantha and Mrs. Black quickly followed suit and joined in the chanting. Brianna looked around nervously to make sure no one she knew was observing this spectacle of embarrassment as Mr. Black, Catherine, and Sean smiled at the film. The twins ran up and down the aisles, as they had for the entirety of the movie, knocking snacks out of peoples hands and stealing them. Mrs. Black had caught them licking candy they had gotten off the floor three times already. Though most everyone was smiling and having a grande time, Melanie and James sat sullenly in their seats, arms crossed. 

'I just don't see why no one told me is all,' James hissed to Melanie in a low voice, 'sometimes Sirius just makes me _so angry_.'

'I know how you feel,' Melanie comforted sympathetically.

'I mean, _really_, I thought all of those people laughing at me were just a bit queer. How was _I _to know that there were great, filthy eyebrows sprouting out of my glasses?' He complained.

'And that lolly-pop in your hair…' Melanie added matter-of-factly.

'The _what_ in my hair?! No one said anything about _that_!' James exclaimed, causing Sirius to hush him.

'Oh, I thought you knew…' Melanie said concisely, 'how does this make you _feel, James?'_

'Bloody angry is what it makes me feel!' 

'I'm glad you've come to terms with this, James,' Melanie told him, patting him on the arm. 

'Eurch…' James grimaced loudly as his hand found the sticky candy. He pulled it out off of his head, taking along with it several clumps of now-matted hair, 'OW!'

'Shhh!' The Blacks, excluding Melanie, told him. Their eyes were fixed on the screen as Rocky was being brutally defeated. 

****

'C'mon, kids, if we're quiet, maybe she won't wake up…' Mr. Black advised as the family crept back into the kitchen, several pizza boxes clutched in their hands.

'So James, what did you think of the film?' Sirius asked James good-naturedly. 

'Well, it was alright, I _guess_,' James said through gritted teeth.

'Alright?' Sirius asked in disbelief, 'alright?! It was bloody _brilliant_ is what it was!'

'Sorry, but I guess the _green eyebrows_ and the _sweets in my hair_ impeded my happiness. In fact, I would say that all enjoyment was thoroughly sucked from my body, much like a vampire sucking my blood,' James stated wryly. 

'Let's go out in the garden to eat… Cestie might wake up if we're not careful,' Mrs. Black said furtively, shooting a wary glance up the stairs as if she expected Cestie to roll down with her mad cat at any moment. 

'Why don't Sean and I put some silencing charms up… just in case,' Katherine offered, starting up the stairs with Sean in tow. 

The family grabbed the pizzas and some fizzy drinks and they went out into the garden to have a late afternoon picnic. Mr. Black summoned several water-repelling blankets and set a few candles floating above the pink and gold snow. 

Sirius sat down with his own box of pizza, ignoring the plates and silverware his mum offered him. He carefully cradled the box on his legs so no one could touch it and began to eat very quickly. 

'Sirius can I have a slice?' Brianna asked, reaching into the box.

'NO!' Sirius growled, smacking her hand away roughly, 'this is _my food! Mine! Don't touch it!' He wrapped his arms around the pizza and ate faster, determined to eat all of it before anyone else could try to take it._

'Honestly, Sirius, you're worse than the dogs,' Brianna muttered, remembering how the dogs always snarled if she got too near their food. She stalked off towards the others, where her mother was doling out slices onto singing Christmas tree plates. 

'Hah,' Katherine said upon exiting the house, 'she won't hear a thing now!'

'Oh, was she asleep?' Mrs. Black asked curtly, pursing her lips.

'Don't know. We didn't really care to find out. Her radio was still on, and that mad cat of hers was on the bed,' Sean told her.

'Oh, well, did you lock the door back?' Mrs. Black asked in a would-be casual voice.

'Yes, of course,' Katherine replied quickly. Katherine and Sean got plates of pizza for themselves and joined everyone else in festive holiday celebration.

Everyone was merrily munching their dinner, when all of a sudden, the distant sound of the doorbell was heard by all. Mr. Black got up and made his way back into the house. Sirius jumped up and followed behind, his pizza box still gripped in his hands, curious to find out who could be calling at that time of day. James joined as well, not wanting to be left alone on the blanket with Brianna, who was currently making eyes with him. 

As the three made their way towards the front door, the bell rang again, this time with much more vigour and gusto. When they still hadn't reached it, the doorbell began to ring desperately, time and time again.

'Hello?' Mr. Black greeted, opening the door cautiously.

'Oh, hullo Ryan,' Mr. Black's neighbor, who raised pure-bred race-horses, answered, 'is this yours? I found her in my hayloft…' he added, pointing to Cestie, who was sitting in her wheel-chair, glaring and irately attempting to speak. Mr. O'Reilly had placed duct tape firmly over her large, tortoise-like mouth.

'Oh, yes, sorry about that, Connor,' Mr. Black apologised to his muggle neighbor.

'Don't be sorry, just keep her out of my stables, away from the barn, off the haystacks and the roof, and not out in the middle of the fields- the woman will freeze to death for crying out loud!'

'Hmmm, we thought she was up in her room asleep. It won't happen again, I assure you. I hope she wasn't too much trouble,' Mr. Black said, looking back at Cestie, who was currently attempting to hit Mr. O'Reilly in the kneecap with her cane.

'Well, I suppose she wasn't too much _trouble_,' Mr. O'Reilly commented, rubbing the back of his neck, 'but she sure can wheel fast in that thing, and she's got a _mean_ left hook- you ought to take that cane _away_.'

'Look who's back!' Mr. Black called towards the picnickers in a singsong fashion. The whole Black family, an exceptionally curious bunch, hurried from their pizza boxes and looked out the front door, 'It's Cestie!' 

'Filthy muggles! Put me down!' Cestie complained, catching Mr. O'Reilly sharply in the back of the head. She had banished the duct tape from her face, it now was firmly attached to the back of one of the Blacks' many dogs. 

'Hullo, Mum.' Mr. Black said cheerfully, 'would you like some pizza?'

'Don't you take that tone with me, Sandra!' Cestie cried, whacking James in the knee. James rubbed his knee in confusion.

'I'm not 'Sandra,' ma'am,' James explained, pointing to Sirius, '_he_ is.'

'Aaaah!' Cestie exclaimed, this time hitting James at the point of his elbow.

James decided that talking was useless at that point, and so quickly fled back into the garden. Sirius chased after him.

'Hey! You'd better not touch my pizza!' 

****

END OF CHAPTER TWO

A/N: Hello there everyone! Phew! You have NO idea how much we work to make everything historically accurate. We even went and researched, trying to find what movies came out in 1976! That's just how dedicated we are to being accurate! :)

It's hard to believe how many reviews we've gotten in such a small amount of time. Thank you so much! 

First off, thanks to all you loyal reviewers from our last story! Thank you to The Midnight Angel, Oneiros Lykos, Callie Anne, Rock On Losers, Manda (what a glowing review!), Julie Weasley, Kelsey, and kimmy! A special thank you to Star for her insightful review. You can read too much into our writing anytime you want to! ;) Oh, and Kimmy, thanks for the many reviews :) 

Thanks to all our new reviewers: Nio, Zetta, Bloody Faery Wings, Freakyfroggurl22, Hermione-in-space, mysticaldreams and Moon*wolf (thank you for all the wonderful, exquisite, positive adjectives) 

And finally thank you everyone who has put us on his or her favourites lists. Running-out-of-ink , Star , RockOnLosers , Mystical dreams , Oneiros Lykos

Moon*wolf and 

Callie Anne .

As said before, it might be a bit until we update since we haven't written the next chapters yet and right now we are both very swamped with work. As soon as we finish the next chapter we'll post it. 

Thanks bunches! Don't forget how very narcissistic we can be and how much we love to get your reviews!

-Hillary and Jess

Oh, and if you find Cestie to be 'too out there to be believable,' I want you to know she is based on my great grandmother who is very strange and threatened to beat us all with a yard stick when we were young… ;\ oh yes… very strange woman indeed… 

-Hillary

Just a message (was formerly in the chapter 3 slot)

I just wanted to say **sorry** that we're not updating quickly. :( 

Both Jess and I have been far too busy for our own good, but we're really, really trying to get chapter three out as quickly as possible. 

Just to give you something to look forward to, here's my favourite quote from the chapter thus far, "OI, ME BUM!"

Ah yes. It's highly amusing… ;)

-Hillary


	3. Chapter 3 well, most of it

A Very Sirius Christmas 

**Chapter III (well, most of it.)**

James and Sirius sat in the den, supplied with completely tofu-free hot-chocolate. James sighed deeply, then cradled his chin in his palm. Sirius looked sideways at James for a moment. James sighed forlornly again. Sirius continued to watch him, not blinking or moving in any way. James stared down into the dark depths of his hot chocolate, then gave an even louder sigh.

'Are you alright?' Sirius asked seriously, not breaking his penetrating gaze. 

'Yeah, yeah… I'm fine,' James replied, letting out a deep sigh.

'Are you sure?' Sirius persisted, still not breaking his stare.

'Yes, I suppose,' James sighed. He switched his mug into his other hand, and then cradled his face again. He continued on in this fashion for some time, resembling a forlorn, lost man in a bar. The sort that got really drunk then told wild stories of the girl who got away; you know the sort, with red noses and all. 

James sighed again-

'Alright, enough already. Just stop with the sighing and the forlorn lost looks. Lily's going to be here in what, three days?' Sirius intervened. 

'But… when you're in love, three days can seem like an eternity,' James sighed.

'What? Don't give me that crap. I coined that phrase with Darlene Jacobson to get her up to the astronomy tower on a school night,' Sirius reminisced, a smile playing on his face, 'Yes, as I recall that was quite a good snog.'

'I'm not talking about _days_, Sirius, I miss Lily,' James said in a pained voice, taking a long draft of hot chocolate.

'That doesn't make any sense, you drunken lovesick freak,' Sirius stated solemnly.

'I miss Lily,' James said forlornly, staring into his now-empty mug.

'Nonsense, you just need more hot chocolate,' Sirius comforted, draping an arm around James and steering him into the kitchen. As they entered, they heard the sounds of the twins' squeals plus the clattering of pots and pans that told Sirius someone was baking. He and James cautiously peered around the corner to make sure that his mum wasn't the one concocting a 'master-piece.' They were both relieved to see his sisters and the twins busy working together on the grand mass of chocolate that was the Black's fondest Christmas tradition. Sirius, having checked to see that his mother was no where near the vicinity, rushed into the kitchen and eagerly stuck his finger into the deep bowl, which held a sumptuous-looking brown cake batter.

'No, Sirius,' Brianna scolded, whacking his hand smartly with her wooden stirring spoon, 'you can lick the dish _after_ we finish the cake. You're _going_ to _contaminate_ the bowl.'

'Lighten up, Bri,' Katherine cut in, 'Sir, you can have a bit of batter. Just don't lick your finger and put it back in the bowl, that's just gross.' 

'Mmmm,' Sirius told James, cleaning off his finger with apparent relish. 

'There's, ah, not any tofu in this stuff, is there?' James asked, pointing suspiciously into the bowl. The room erupted into a fit of girlish laughter-

'No, James,' Katherine, the first to recover from her fit of giggles, breathed, 'we don't let Mum help out with it anymore. You can have a taste if you like,' she added, inviting James to copy Sirius' previous action. James blushed a little, and then quickly accepted her offer.

'James, you should have known that our Christmas _traditions_ would never have involved _tofu_,' Sirius explained, spitting out the last word as though it tasted bad in his mouth.

'Right,' James cleared his throat, still a bit embarrassed by the laughter shining in all the girls' eyes.

'Don't feel bad, though, James. You have every right to be suspicious of food in this house,' Katherine sympathized, giving a wry grin. The other girls vigourously nodded their heads in agreement. Then, after stirring the batter for a moment, she continued, 'Bri, the batter is a little thin, could you bring me over that sack of flour?'

'Sure,' Brianna replied, heaving the industrial sized sack off the kitchen counter and bore it towards her sister. About halfway across the room, Brianna hit her foot on one of the dog's squeak toys, which had been strewn about the house by the twins. She tottered dangerously holding the large sack. All held their breath to see if she would fall as her weight dangerously shifted back and forth.

Brianna managed to catch her self at the last moment, but a thick cloud of flour misted out of the bag, covering her dark hair in a thin layer of white. 

'Hah!' Sirius gleefully pointed, 'You look like a little old woman!' Brianna glared at Sirius, then grudgingly hauled the bag the rest of the way to her eldest sister.

'You do look like an old woman,' Samantha snickered, 'just like Cestie.'

'Yeah, Bri, you're a spitting image of the old wench,' Katherine agreed, 'only… there's something missing…' she reached into the bag of flour and weighed out a handful, 'Yeah, that's it,' she concluded, swabbing the flour across Brianna's forehead, making no attempt to keep it from cascading down Brianna's front. 

'I can't believe you just did that!' Brianna exclaimed in apparent disbelief. She looked down at her shirt, up at Katherine then reached into the bag of flour. As Katherine was still busy laughing, she caught a swirling mist of flour right in the face. 

'Oh,' Katherine coughed, inhaling most of the flour. She said nothing more, but began to throw fistfuls of flour back in retaliation. Brianna ducked out of the way of the rapid-fire shots of flour, letting several hit Sirius. 

Sirius blinked benignly, coughing a little, then turned to face James.

'D'you know what I find just _extraordinary, James?' Sirius asked, his face covered in white powder, looking much like a cheaply done ghost in a bad school pageant. _

'What?' James asked, confused a bit by Sirius' sudden, out-of-place question. 

'This,' Sirius explained, taking a handful of flour from the counter and tossing it in a high arc towards James.

'You did _not_ just-' James began, but didn't finish his thought, he instead scooped up as much flour as he could and flung it into Sirius' face. Soon everyone had joined in the flour fight; Samantha soon jumped onto James' back and ground the flour down into his hair. The twins ran manically around and around, throwing the flour gaily up into the air like some sort of flower girls gone mad. In fact, by the time they had all tired, the kitchen was practically indistinguishable from the snow-blanketed countryside just visible out of the window.

'Hah, hah,' James laughed tiredly, slumped against a cabinet deep in the drifts of flour, 'that was great.' He took a fistful of his jumper and tried to wipe his glasses off, then he realised that his jumper was equally covered. The exhausted group of young people, collapsed on the floor from a combination of mirth and the processes of anaerobic respiration, sat trying to collect themselves to finish baking the cake. Sirius blinked through the mist of flour and noticed a dark shape at the breakfast table, huddled over a thick book. Everything within a two-metre radius of it was eerily flour-free. 

'Mel?' Sirius asked bemusedly, 'how long have you been here?'

'I've been here since before you were born,' Melanie said sarcastically, not looking up from her venerable old text. 

'I wasn't asking _that_, Mel,' Sirius said, not understanding, 'I meant how long have you been in the kitchen _today.'_

'Since before you dragged your grimy, bacteria-infested finger through our perfectly good cake mix. I know you never wash your hands,' Melanie told him, still concentrating on her reading.

'So what if I don't!' Sirius cried, throwing his dirty hands up in the air. James couldn't help but snigger; he knew it was true.

'Alright,' Katherine announced, standing up and brushing herself off. She picked up her wand from where it had lain before, forgotten in the thrill of the moment. She waved it once casually and all of the flour easily disappeared. Ever since she had gotten married, Katherine put in as much effort into learning household charms as she had studying in school, especially after having the twins. 

'Kate, can I pour out the batter?' Samantha asked, eyeing the pans her sister had lain out on the counter. 

'That's 'may I,' and yeah, if you let Brianna help you,' Katherine told her, glad that, for once, someone else wanted to do the cooking. 

'Hang on, can I (_may_ I) have just a bit more before you cook it?' Sirius pleaded, trying to look appealing, 'in fact, why don't we just leave it raw.' 

'I won't allow it!' Melanie intervened, 'you're not to put your greasy paw into the batter again. Now, put that stuff away in the oven before Sirius can get into it,' she instructed the others.

'Melanie has spoken,' Katherine muttered under her breath, picking up a cake pan and bringing it towards the oven, 'Bri, grab the other pan, would you?'

As Brianna followed Katherine to the oven, Sirius attempted to intercept her for one last taste of the chocolate concoction. Brianna shrugged him off, but he persisted.

'Aw, c'mon Bri,' he whined, 'please let me have _one_ more bit of chocolate before you ruin it in the oven.' No sooner had the word 'chocolate' escaped Sirius' lips that the twins' faces lit up in equally devilish grins. They immediately charged the batter as a unit, knocking into the backs of Katherine's knees. Screams filled the cool air of the Black kitchen. Some were shouts of joy, filling the kitchen with triumphant shrieks of 'chocolate!' Others were more cautionary, calling out orders like, 'mind that oven door!' One cry, however, resounded above all the others.

'HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!'

It seemed that, in the midst of it all, Katherine's cake pan had gone flying across the kitchen, landing on James' front. The twins seized this opportunity to tackle him to the ground and frantically lick as much batter as was not already saturated in his jumper. Katherine, laying where she had fallen on the ground, was torn between stopping her children from eating James alive and protecting the rest of the family from the open, pre-heated oven door. In the confusion, the unbalanced Katherine had swatted Brianna, and her cake batter along with the heavy metal pan had flown up in the air to land on Sirius' face, which was quite painful as well as humiliating for him. Melanie looked up from her book to watch the fun with relish. And Sirius…

In his blinded state, Sirius had lost his balance, and fallen. Now, Sirius was used to falling. It was unavoidable when you were as, ah, boisterous as he was. But Sirius was not prepared for what happened next.

'HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!'

Sirius cried out as he landed on the pre-heated oven door, bum first. This was also painful and humiliating. It was really quite unfortunate for him, as none of the other people in the kitchen, save Melanie, were in any position to assist him. Sirius, unable to put his hands down for obvious reasons, did an awkward sort of roll to dislodge himself from the scalding metal. It did not take long for him to realise that his trousers were still smoking.

'AH! Putitout! Putitout! Put-it-OUT!'

Samantha was quite a bright and resourceful child, and she knew that to counteract something hot, she should use something cool. That's probably why Sirius felt cake batter several moments later being squished into his wounded arse. 

'What the hell is wrong with you people!?' Sirius said, frightening Samantha into Melanie's lap. 

'Now, everyone let's calm down a bit,' Katherine advised, pulling her rabid children off of James, 'eww, sorry about that, James.'

'Hey! Hey! I'm injured!' Sirius called out, but no one paid him any mind.

'Brianna, are you alright? You didn't get on the oven, did you? I imagine it's quite hot by now.' Katherine comforted, helping Brianna off the ground.

'I need medical attention!' Sirius yelled, getting angrier and angrier by the moment. 

'James, are _you_ alright?' Katherine asked with concern, pointedly ignoring Sirius' furious rants.

'Kate, why don't you just learn to control your hellish children!' Sirius fumed as the twins struggled free from her and began scouring the floor for any missed batter, 'what kind of a rotten mother are you anyways?!'

Even the twins stopped their sloppy eating to see how Katherine would react. Dead silence roared in the ears of all who were present in the kitchen. All wide eyes were trained on Katherine. She looked near tears. Sirius took a single look in her eyes and immediately saw the damage he had done.

'I'm sorry, Katie, I didn't mean-' Sirius fumbled.

'No, Sirius, you're right. I am a terrible mother.' She said concisely, setting down the cloth she'd been using to clean off James' glasses and striding from the room. 

'Er- James, could you deal with this?' Sirius asked as an afterthought, vaguely gesturing to the ruined kitchen, before following after Katherine.

'Ergh…' James replied, looking at the disaster area, covered by chocolate goo and weeping children. Melanie looked up from her book.

'Well, I'll just leave this to you, then, shall I?' Melanie said quickly before apparating up to her room.

'I-feel-BAD!' Brianna sobbed, throwing herself into James' arms and burying her face in his chocolate-smeared jumper. 

James blinked around the room at the many weeping children, then back down at the blushing and sobbing Brianna.

'Eh… there, there,' he comforted uncomfortably, awkwardly patting her on the top of her batter-saturated hair. 

****

At first Sirius was not quite sure where Katherine had gotten to, but luckily, she was very loud blowing her nose into one of the couch cushions.

'Er,' Sirius cleared his throat, 'Kate?'

'G-go awahay,' she sobbed miserably into the silk pillow. 

'Can I, get you anything?' He tried again, advancing towards the sofa.

'No!' Katherine wailed through the thick layers of stuffing, 'just leave me alone! You're the most cruel, callous, uncaring, insensitive, cold-hearted- ass! In the _whole world_.'

'Now, Katie, I think you've come off a bit hard on me. I'm not really _all of those things, am I?' Sirius asked, mildly irritated at her descriptions._

'Yes you ARE!' Katherine choked, looking up from the pillow to glare at her thickheaded, numbskull, jerk of a brother.

Sirius took a few steps back, slightly repulsed by his sister's snotty, tear-stained face and puffy red eyes. 

'Want a tissue?' He offered, grimacing as her tears fell unashamedly onto all of the pillows.

'Yes, but leave me alone!' Katherine buried her face in her hands once more, oblivious to the cake batter that still lingered on her clothes and skin. She turned her head slightly and saw that Sirius, contrary to her demands, had sat down ('OI, ME BUM!') next to her. 

'Oh,' he said, 'well I haven't got one.'

Katherine glared.

'Well, here, have this, then,' he continued, pulling his jumper up over his head and tossing it towards Katherine. She quickly took it and loudly blew her nose.

'Yes, don't worry about that. It wasn't one of my favourite jumpers anyways,' Sirius said flatly, cringing as various filth reeked its way into his new, red Christmas jumper. He sat there quite awhile, waiting for her to say something- anything, even 'go away, Sirius.' Katherine snuffled vociferously into his sweater making a noise that sounded strangely similar to that of Cestie's dandruff-afflicted cat hacking up a hairball. 

'Kate, I'm really sorry. You're not a rotten mother at all.'

'Yes, I-I am,' she whimpered. 

'No-'

'Yes, Sir, you were right. I'm the worst mother in the world.'

'No, you're not. I didn't mean what I said. I was just angry…and my bum _really_ hurt.'

'I _am_ a rotten mother, though. I can't even control my own kids.'

'_Dumbledore_ couldn't control _your kids. Perhaps they can get out of control at times, but little kids do that. They're lots like me when I was that age… I was worse than them and I was only _one_ kid.'_

'Yeah, but- but…' Katherine dissolved into another bout of tears, silent this time, and stared blearily at something only she could see.

'You're still new at this and you'll learn. You love them and look after their well-being and that's what really matters. That's what really makes a great mum.' Sirius put a hand heavily on her shoulder and made her look at him. 

'You are a great mum, Katie, really you are.' He said, sincerity oozing from his eyes at almost the same magnitude as the snot from Katherine's nose. 

'Oh, Sirius, I- I-' If it was possible, she broke down into even louder hysterics than before. She fell into her younger brother's arms and burst into wet gasps. 

Sirius stared down at her in alarm- surely he hadn't said anything that bad. He peered at her to make sure she hadn't cracked.

'Er, I didn't mean to upset you, Kate. Please don't be angry! I won't talk anymore if that's what you want.' While her crying _was_ heart wrenching to him, Sirius had other motives as well. He was resigned to the fact that his once slime-free jumper was now ruined beyond repair, but he _had_ hoped that his undershirt would stay clean. 

'Oh, Sirius, I- I-' Katherine dissolved into strange hiccups, shuddering against his chest.

'Um, Kate, d'you want go talk to Mel? She is sort of a psychotic therapist-type thing, you know…' Sirius ventured, seeing whether or not this was cheering her up at all.

'No, no,' Katherine hushed him with a motion of her hand, 'it's just… it's just… oh, Sirius- that's just the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!' She then tightened her arms around him, enveloping him in a rather gooey, sticky, chocolaty hug. Sirius began to feel very uncomfortable, and decided that he either needed to escape quickly or squash this mushy sentiment for good. 

'Yeah, well, I just know how to talk to women is all, don't take it personally or anything.' Sirius muttered. 

'Oooh aren't you just the sweetest little _baby_ brother anyone could ask for?' Katherine cooed, giving him noogies. 

'Hey now! Stop that! You-' Sirius complained, he was about to comment on how a good mother wouldn't be behaving like that, but gracefully held his tongue for once. 

'Oh my. I must look a fright!' Katherine felt her face and wiped her nose on Sirius' jumper. Sirius was about to say something to the extent of 'Yes, your face_ does look a fright, you should probably go and stick it in a bucket;' instead, however, he refrained from making a blunt comment once again._

'Er-' he began, backing up slightly, squinting, grimacing, and pulling a strange sort of puckering face, 'you look, um…_good_.' 

'Balderdash,' Katherine snipped, 'flattery will get you nowhere brother, dear. I'm just going to nip upstairs to wash up a bit. Could you be sis' little helper and go check on the others in the kitchen?' 

Sirius grunted in affirmation. 

'Oh, Sirius, you're just a perfect little dear,' Katherine ruffled his hair as she stood up, tossed his jumper into his lap, and dashed away up the stairs.

'Little dear my arse…' Sirius muttered, holding up his stained jumper as he shuffled back into the kitchen. 

Sirius could not have prepared himself for the scene that he met walking into the Blacks' kitchen. 

James had managed to clean the kitchen admirably. Not a drop of chocolate batter remained on any surface, the children were as clean as if they had just stepped out of the shower into new clothes, and Sirius could smell the remaining batter baking in the repaired oven. In fact, it was a scene of perfect domestic bliss. 

More than clean, the children had also stopped crying. In fact, they were cheerfully clapping and laughing. 

James, who had forgotten in his cleaning to remove the flour and chocolate batter from himself, was standing in an open area of the kitchen. Brianna, Samantha, Lucy, and Louis had seated themselves round him in a semi-circle and watched with the utmost glee as he gaily juggled four wooden spoons, singing '_It's a Long Way To Tipperary,' slightly off-key. _

'Well hullo Jamsie! Practicing for the circus, are we? Mind if I join in?' Sirius called from behind, having let James carry on a bit for his amusement, 'We can now add to your list of virtues 'works well with children.' Lily will be pleased.'

James immediately dropped his voice and his spoons in surprise, earning gales of laughter from the younger Black children as two of the spoons bounced noisily off of James' head in succession. 

'It's not what it looks like!' James cried out in alarm, 'I was just- er- that is to say-'

'Oh?' Sirius arched an eyebrow, 'I think it's _exactly_ what I think it looks like.'

'You must understand, Sirius, the kids were in hysterics! Brianna has a vice like grip! What would _you_ have done in the same situation, eh?' James explained, crossing his arms and straightening his glasses.

'Want to go and do something then?' Sirius changed the subject abruptly.

'Yeah, alright. Oh! I can owl Lily!' He realized cheerily, 'Oh, but I'd better take a shower first.'

'Why do you need to take a shower before you can _owl_ her?' Sirius asked.

'I can't owl her looking like _this!' James pointed to his flour and batter encrusted hair and jumper._

'It's not like she can _see you or anything, Prongs- oh, why do I even try. You know, all logic leaves your head when it comes to _Lily_.' Sirius held up his jumper again, 'Fine, you just go on into the shower and I'll go see if me mum'll clean this up…' Sirius wandered off calling out to his mother loudly._

****

After five minutes of pushing, pulling, furious body slams, and jiggling the handle, James was no closer to opening the door of the bathroom. Try as he might, the door simply would not open. He had tried magic-, it seemed that the door was not in fact locked by magic-guile, and brute force, but the door remained closed. It stood firm. 

'Sirius!' James bellowed down the hallway, 'C'mere! You're bloody door won't open!' 

'Ah! Yeah, that door is a bit tricky!' Sirius bellowed right back from the foot of the stairs, 'Give me a moment and I'll come show you the trick to it!'

'Sirius, I've been beating at the door for five minutes, come here now!' James demanded.

'My, you are demanding. I don't know how you and Lily are going to get along once you're married,' Sirius replied, abandoning his crusade for a clean jumper and slowly stomping his way up the stairs. 'Lily,' he mocked in a strange bass, 'fetch my slippers for me! Where the devil are my slippers? Get them for me now- I'm ridiculously demanding. Demand! Demand! Lily, you are too slow in bringing me my slippers! Give them to me now! I'm spoiled rotten and there are important things I must attend to! Things like… like… quidditch! And… wasting my money for no good reason! And smoking my pipe in my gold-plated smoking jacket and fez, while reclining in my gold encrusted-'

'Lily and I are not getting married yet!' James interrupted angrily.

'Yet!' Sirius called, poking James in the navel.

'Don't do that again,' James said, slapping Sirius' hand away from his navel, 'open the door!'

'Demand, demand, demand,' Sirius muttered, 'fine, fine. The things I put up with. Honestly, here I am, being a good friend and all, getting you out of trouble, and you're nothing but exploiting me.' James starred at Sirius for a moment, hoping that his condescending stare would compel Sirius to soon open the door.

'Sirius, I was really hoping that you might soon open the door,' James said in a low whisper, nodding his head at the end of his sentence.

'Oh, well you see- there's a trick to this door. It has quite an attitude problem… it depends on the time of the year usually. Well, you must perform for it or it won't open.' Sirius told him. James stood staring in disbelief at Sirius.

'Something festive ought to do it,' he explained, looking at the door in question.

****

CHAPTER 3 (along with rest of fic) TO BE CONTINUED

Ah, well, there is more to chapter three, but it hasn't been tweaked yet. Both Jess and I have been so incredibly busy, there are simply no words to describe it. Plus, Jess won't be in town for a _whole month_ due to her romantic, month long getaway to Italy. (Lucky thing.) Since it'll be a _very _long time before we can get this fic going again and since you all have been so incredibly patient, not forgetting the fact that it's been over a month since our last update; I was so guilt ridden that this just _had _to be posted. Thank you so much for your patience in this matter! Hope you like what's been written so far. :)

A NOTICE: If you would like us to e-mail you when we update please e-mail me (Hillary) at Pillbugb@aol.com. Just put something in the subject line to clue me in that it's not spam or anything.

We have 40 reviews! Isn't that amazing? Thank you so much everyone who reviewed! 

Thanks to all our multiple reviewers Kat, rock on losers (sorry your story was taken down), Julie Weasley (our most loyal fan ever? Cool.) , running-out-of-ink, Callie Anne, justnutzaboutwizards, freakyfroggurl22, Moon*Wolf, mystical dreams (You should see the looks on people's faces as we write our story. They must all think we're off our rocker!) the midnight angel, Oneiros lykos (we didn't go as far as actually sitting down and watching Rocky, as great a film as it is; we already knew the plot etc., though it took us a good long time to remember if he won the fight or not…) and Star. A special thanks to you Star who made us both practically cry while reading your chapter two review. (Hillary actually _did _start crying, but that's because she's very emotional about almost everything and even cried at the light-parade in Disney World, if you can believe it) We love to hear your analysis. :)

Thanks to the oldie one-time (I think) reviewers Empress Genevieve and Raspberry Lipgloss.

Finally, thanks to all our new reviewers: Céline (oh yes, we really do know someone who is very much like Cestie), Horseluva, Uglinessrox55, Carolinus Took and Crazy-chic (welcome to fan-fic crazy-chic.) 

All right, one more thanks to everyone who has put us on any of your favourites lists. It really means a lot to us! :)

There! Hopefully everyone has been thanked and if we left you out, just know it was totally unintentional etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

We are very egotistical, so any reviews would be very much appreciated and loved without restraint! :)

The longer the better.

Thanks bunches!

-Hillary (and not technically) Jess

It really makes me wonder when I'm reading the reviews and so many people have commented on how they know someone like Cestie. It's quite frightening really. Check out the reviews! It's there and it's thouroughly disturbing. 

-Hillary 

**MOMENT OF TRUTH (was formerly posted in chapter 5's slot)**

I know we promised to post the little bit we hadn't posted of chapter 3, but we've both been terribly busy. After getting back from Italy Jess has been very preoccupied with the plans for her dad's wedding in Hawaii while I have been swamped with work. I'm so terribly sorry to those of you who were counting on our posting it. 

IMPORTANT MESSAGE!!!!

**We may or may not be posting** in _A Very Sirius Christmas_ again. Most of you have probably read the 5th book by now and know that our story is no longer canon in any way shape or form. We were considering not posting again, since the thought of being completely non-canon sent us into convulsions, but upon thinking about you all, the readers, and how you've supported our story thus far, we decided to reconsider. **We will continue to post** **IF AND ONLY IF YOU, THE READERS, show us a real response for more chapters.** If we don't get a very big response from you all then we will **NOT POST ANY **more. :*( SO! If you want us to continue on with this fic please e-mail us (preferably at PillbugB@aol.com) or post a review within the next two weeks or so. We will post the rest of chapter 3 after that time, but whether we will post any after that is up to **you.**

Thank you so much to our loyal reviewers! You know who you are :*)

-Hillary (who is all teared up at the thought of not posting) And not technically Jess.


	4. Chapter 3 Finale

This is a real chapter and not a clever note, teaser trailer, or other form of propaganda. 

Usual disclaimer applies.

If you believe we own Harry Potter, seek medical attention immediately or continue your delusions. 

Without further ado, what you've all been waiting for- drum roll please:

THE EXCITING CONCLUSION OF CHAPTER THREE!!!!

Just so you remember what was going on… go look at chapter 3

****

'Sirius, I was really hoping that you might soon open the door,' James said in a low whisper, nodding his head at the end of his sentence.

'Oh, well you see- there's a trick to this door.  It has quite an attitude problem… it depends on the time of the year usually.  Well, you must perform for it or it won't open.'  Sirius told him.  James stood staring in disbelief at Sirius.

'Something festive ought to do it,' he explained, looking at the door in question.

'Why don't _you_ do it then?'  James asked.

'What?  And have my sisters mock me?  No thank you, James.  _I_ don't need to take a shower.  _I_ have no need to get into the bathroom.  I think you're just going to have to open the door yourself.'

'Eurgh,' James muttered as he stepped up to the door, 'what do I have to do?'

'Hmm,' Sirius thought out loud, 'let's see… I think- why don't you sing?'

'I _don't_ sing,' James said through gritted teeth.

'Oh, don't be silly Jamsie, of course you do!  I just saw you doing it, and it was quite a _lovely rendition of 'It's a Long Way to Tipperary' if I do say so myself,' Sirius said, nudging James towards the door._

'I'm not going to sing _that_ ever again,' James protested fearfully, pushing back into Sirius to avoid the door.

'Fine, why don't you sing something else, then- A Christmas tune!' Sirius said excitedly, 'why not 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas,' eh?'

'But it's not going to be '_we_' singing, now is it?'

'Fine, fine.  Well, what about, 'Here We Come a Wasailing?'

'Again with the 'we-' wait, here we come a _what?'_

'Never mind, you're being quite difficult. Well, you can sing my personal favourite song, 'Jingle Bells.''

'I don't feel very 'Jingly' right now, Sirius-'

'_Jingle Bells, Snapey smells, so does Mr. Filch, Mrs. Norris joined the chorus- quick let's get away_!'  Sirius sung out, terribly off key.  Melanie stuck her head out of her room and shushed him quickly with a strange look on her face.

'Think not…' James decided.  

'Why not 'Ding Dong Merrily on High?'  Can you think of anything wrong with_ that_?'

'Well, I-' 

'No!  You're just stalling for time now; we're singing it- well, you're singing it.  I'm just going to take a few snapshots.'

'Fine,' James cleared his throat and began singing very lowly and in the quietest voice he could produce, '_Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven th-'_

'With _feeling_, James. No door's going to open for _that.'_

'_DING dong merrily on high, in heaven the bells are ringing. Ding dong verily the sky, is riv'n with angels singing._'  James finished.  Sirius motioned for him to continue.  James took a deep breath-

'_Gloh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oo-ria, Hosanna in excelsis._'  James glared as Sirius shouted-

'This is my favourite part, do it again, again!'

'No. Why isn't the door opening, Sirius?'

'The door can hardly hear you, can it?  It's nearly as old as Cestie.  You need to sing with much more vigour!'  Sirius declared with a grand all-encompassing gesture.  He watched as James repeated the song much more loudly and with somewhat more feeling.  The door remained in place.

'Would it hurt you to smile?  And move around a bit.  The door thinks you're a lifeless boor,' Sirius suggested.  James repeated the song again, an evilly manic grin on his face.

'Sirius, it doesn't look like the door is going to open…'

'Why don't you dance around a bit? You know, really get into the song,' Sirius put in enthusiastically, 'the door loves it when I do the motions for 'I'm a Little Teapot!'

'That's ridiculous, I'm going to go find another shower,' James made to leave, but Sirius grabbed his arm.

'The other showers are, er, they're… well, I'll help you!  You're just not doing it properly, that's all.  I'll help out with the 'Gloria,' that's where you tend to lose it,' Sirius decided, dragging James back in front of the door.  They both began the song, Sirius really getting into the words and adding some interpretive dance to them.  

'_DING dong merrily on high, in heaven the bells are ringing. Ding dong verily the sky, is riv'n with angels singing_,' James couldn't help but smile as Sirius merrily danced about and sang with such tremendous off-key gusto, '_Gloh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-_,' by now a large crowd of bystanders had emerged from various activities to see what the fuss was about, '_o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oo-ria, Hosanna in excelsis.  _Gloh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oh-o-o-o-o-o-oo-ria, Hosanna in excelsis!_'_

'Bravo!  Bravo!'  Mrs. Black and Katherine called as they finished the song.  James turned beet red as he realised that the entire Black family, Cestie included, was gathered about the hallway.

'I'm glad you've gotten into the holiday spirit, boys, but, ah, what exactly are you doing?'  Mr. Black asked.

'_Caroling_, Dad.  What did it _look_ like we were doing?'  Sirius said over-exasperatedly.  

'Yes, I saw and heard that, but _why?'  Mr. Black answered._

'Well, we were trying to get the bathroom door to open and Sirius explained to me about the trick and…' James trailed off, looking at the bemused looks on the Blacks' faces.

'James and I love to sing, don't we James!'  Sirius told everyone, putting his arm around James' shoulder and clutching him bracingly.  

'But Sir, you said that-oh…' James said, looking to Sirius and seeing the mischievous glint in his eye.

'Well, sorry to leave you all without an encore, but shove off, show's over, there's nothing more to see here,' Sirius barked, shooing everyone away.

'I'm not going anywhere!'  Cestie crowed obstinately, gripping the sides of her wheelchair.

'Yes, Cestie.  It's time for you to go and take a nap,' Sirius rolled his eyes, placing his hands on either side of the wheelchair to push her back into the spare bedroom.  

'I'm not going anywhere, Sandra!' she cried out again, whacking Sirius forcefully in the gut, 'Unhand me you vile fiend.  Let go of me!'  Sirius said nothing.  He simply pushed the old crone back into the room, slamming the door behind her.  

'So,' Sirius said with a jolly grin, dusting his hands off, 'you want to take a shower, do you?'

James looked at Sirius, staring insolently. 

'How - do - you - open - the – door,' James said precisely, pronouncing each syllable very clearly.

'Oh, well, we keep this door locked when Cestie's here.  The key's just there setting on the doorframe,' Sirius said nonchalantly gesturing up towards the dusty ledge.  

James angrily grabbed at the key from atop the door, knocking it to the floor in the process.  He bent down to snatch it off the carpet, looking daggers at Sirius, then roughly jammed it in the lock.  After making an indistinct noise of anger, James, with a gusto-filled, over-exaggerated sweeping gesture, flung the door open with open malice.  In fact, he threw the door open so hard that it ricocheted off the wall with a loud crash, and came back to hit James in the face with equal force.  After all, Newton's Third Law applies even in the magical world- for every reaction, there is an _equal and _opposite_ reaction…_

But James' thoughts were as far from old, dead scientists' theories as they could be.  As he held his broken glasses in his hand, his eyes not focussed on anything in particular, he grunted in a voice that might have suggested Satanic possession:

'Don't, just don't.'

Sirius didn't hear him though.  You would have thought that Sirius had been the one hit by the door, judging by the way he was lying spread-eagled on the floor, gasping for breath.  

****

After a lengthy shower during which James was certain to remove all chocolate batter residue, he peered meekly out into the Blacks' upper storey hallway.  His newly repaired glasses were still steamed up from the surplus of hot water as he checked yet again for any signs of life.  

Normally, James would have no qualms with walking directly from a bathroom into a hallway- actually, at home he had no problem walking directly from a shower cubicle into a hallway completely stark naked- but as he _was a guest, and, unlike his house, this one contained many people, he decided to be modest.  You see, in his angry haste to get into the bathroom, James forgot entirely that his clothes were covered with sticky, edible goo.  Because of this, he really did not wish to continue wearing those clothes in his current, sanitary condition.  So, one hand clutching his dirty clothes, the other firmly clutching his too-small white towel round his waist, James stepped cautiously into the hall.  _

With Sirius' bedroom door less than two metres away, James was fairly certain he would not meet up with anyone.  Sadly, fairly leaves some room for error.  James had barely put one damp foot into the hall; the first drop of warm shower water had fallen from his hair (as if in slow motion), making a nearly inaudible 'splish' on the carpet below, when a familiar, cynical voice met with his ears.

'Oh, hullo, James.  I was just looking for you.  I've been meaning to warn you about some upcoming events,' Melanie said casually, having emerged from her sacred lair most called her bedroom. Sirius often referred to it as the single largest library he had ever seen.  

'I- er- well- I sort of forgot to, uh, bring a change of clothes…' James explained awkwardly, wishing he had the strength of character to remain as casual as Melanie.

'I can see that,' Melanie smirked,  'well, if you _do_ find some clothes, make sure you put on your warmest jumper.  In fact, a well-placed heating charm wouldn't be a bad idea either.'

'Er-' James replied, feeling very puzzled.

'You, my very lucky friend, are about to participate in the Annual Black Male Bonding Ritual of Christmas tree hunting,' Melanie explained, her face suddenly darkening into a scowl, 'it _used_ to be a _'family_ _thing.'_ _Everyone_ got to participate.  We'd go out, pick the first tree we saw, and Dad would bring it back to the house with a Hovering charm.  But ever since _Sirius_ turned _eight_ and 'became a _man,'_ a simple family tradition has turned into a ritualistic blood-lusting hunt that takes at least seven hours and must take place after twilight.'

As Melanie continued on with her caustic bitter tale of woe, James was suddenly given a quite vivid mental picture of a very small Sirius stating firmly with large sweeping gestures, '_We have to pick the tree at night!  We must visualise what it'll look like at night!_'

'So you see,' it seemed that Melanie had carried on for some time while James was lost within his reverie, 'none of the women ever wanted to go again, and the males felt the need to satisfy their over-built egos to pick the fricking tree.'

'Surely it's not all _that_ bad…' James said softly, after making sure that Melanie had finished what she was saying.

'Imagine the worst possible scenario- for example, how you'll feel when Brianna brings up your abstinence at the dinner table once Lily's here- now, add being cold, wet, and out in the dark with _Sirius_ for eight hours.'

'Oh, well I can deal with cold…' James replied tentatively.

'Oh yeah?  Have you ever tried to cut down a tree- with no wand?!  In the middle of the woods, then carry it back to the house- with no wand?!  You'll be 'roughing it,'' Melanie smirked evilly, before retreating off somewhere into the bowels of her room.

'But… but… I thought you said that your dad used Hovering charms…' James said weakly, leaning against the wall.

'Not anymore!'  Came the reply from behind the closed door, containing a single distinguishing factor- a large red sign that read 'Keep Out, Sirius- Or ELSE!'

  As poor James sat against the wall in utter shock, he noticed another presence in the hall.  Brianna had been walking down the hallway throughout Melanie's speech.  It seemed that she had reached the top of the stairs just moments after Melanie had emerged from her room.  Brianna had just passed James, turning the corner at a pace a tortoise could have easily beaten.  The thing more astonishing than her speed was the fact that Brianna's head remained centered on James, even though her body continued to move forward.

James hurriedly collected himself and quickly rushed into Sirius' room in haste.  Thankfully, no one _else_ had seen him in his near nude, makeshift loin clothed state.  Sirius lay sprawled on his bed, playing loud Beatles music and completing his air drum solo with flair.  

'So.  I'm to suffer through the Annual Black Male Bonding Ritual of Christmas tree hunting, am I?'  James asked as he unceremoniously tossed his dirty clothes in a pile under his camp bed.  

'_You've_ been talking to Melanie again, haven't you,' Sirius accused, starting on his air-guitar solo, 'James, do me a favour and never talk to her again; all she'll do is make you as bitter and pessimistic as her.'

'I don't think Mel's all that bad,' James replied, digging through his trunk to find some untainted clothing.  

'Oh, but she _is_,' Sirius shot at him, taking the time to pause his solo.  

'Come on, Sir, don't you think you're being a little unfair to her?  I mean, she does put up with a lot of teasing and shit from you and the rest of the family,' James reasoned, pulling on his socks with a disgusted face: 'these aren't my socks.  Where did they come from?'

'Oh, those are mine- toss them here.  So, she's not a _complete_ horror, I'll give you that,' Sirius replied, 'Hell, I'm probably closer to her than anyone else in the family…Oh, by the way, James, Brianna is lusting after your body.'

'I know.  Anyways, how so?'

'Well, she's only three years older and we've shared a lot together and I dunno… she just sort of understands me… she probably knows me better than anyone in my family… of course she probably knows everyone in this family better than everyone else does since she likes to pick apart our brains with her bizarre psychologistic experimentation,' Sirius finished, going back out of his 'deep' mode and returning to the music at hand.  After all, the air saxophone must be played- well, someone has to do it.  

James rolled his eyes at Sirius, who was quite busy with his task.  Then he shook his head in defeat: there was no saxophone in this song.  

After heavily charming it, James pulled his jumper over his head, doing nothing to aid his messed up, slightly damp hair.

'So.  We're going Christmas tree hunting?'

'Yup.'

'It'll be cold and miserable?'

'Hell no James! It's just us and nature; as God intended! To be free! To hunt down our prey! To kill our prey and bring it back to the pack so the pups can feast!'

            'It's amazing how much that sounds like something a dog would do, you know?'

            'Gee, I wonder why that is, James.  You're dumb.'

            'Sarcasm goes unnoted…' James murmured, before shaking his head again in defeat.  There was still no saxophone in the song.    
            James began to feel a little skeptical of the Annual Black Male Bonding Ritual of Christmas tree hunting at this point.  It seemed that all that Melanie had foretold would come true.  Considering that their 'prey' was going to be a perfectly harmless tree, James couldn't very well see how the 'pups' were going to 'feast.'

            _Only a dog would think like that… carnivourous canines… so much less regal than deer._

END OF CHAPTER THREE

A/N: We would like to mention that although we did not say this directly in the text (as it would be hard to write it in a convincing fashion that would flow with the rest of the content) when reading 'Annual Black Male Bonding Ritual' please try to picture it, if you will, being said by an omnipresent echoing broadcaster-type voice along with the speaker. I can just see heaven opening up and angels singing as they say these fateful words… Mwua ha! :D

Now, back to your regularly scheduled A/N: (picture this last statement said by the same omnipresent announcer type voice, if you will.)

Well, I'm sure for a while there lots of people were ready to throttle the both of us over our all around vagueness along with our lack of _real _updates. Sorry!!! We are! For you are all truly wonderful if it weren't for the oceans and Internet keeping us so far apart we would send you each a bouquet of mechanical pencils with new erasers and everything!!! (That's what Hillary would like, anyways. That or lots of chocolate; for her house, unlike Jess', is _never_ stocked with it.) It's been a very long while since we've thanked you all personally for being so breathtakingly superb. Here's our very, _very _long list of personalized thank you's. (Sorry. No pencils or chocolate. We have a very tight budget.)

Just so you know, all these thanks were written at two in the morning today by Hillary, who was feeling quite silly and was a little tired, so please, if anything unusually strange is said, pardon us. And now, without further ado, here's a very, _very_ long list thanking each of you. 

 Thanks to all of you wonderful reviewers!!!

**Themidnightangel**: We've had experiences with highs over food. Sadly it was not chocolate Ice-cream (which sounds very appetizing right now.) It was coffee. (For Hillary and not Jess, for Jess doesn't like coffee unless it's 90% milk and sugar (which is not _real _coffee.)  
**Uglinessrox55**: Sorry for not updating quickly… But we're glad that you can turn to our writing for a good laugh (though, when printed out that way it just doesn't sound quite right.)

**Star**: Every time we read one of your posts Hillary ends up merrily crying and Jess smiles in that benign way she does. Thank you!!! Your 86 pleases were very much appreciated!

**Mystical dreams:** Jess had a wonderful time in Italy. It was gorgeous and is one of her very favourite places. Hillary would like to add that she did not get to have a wonderful time in Italy… It _is_ gorgeous and _is _one of her favourite places, but she remained at home, labouring at some very tedious jobs.

**Manda**: I don't know if they should be called brilliant, but our ideas come from our very strange and demented imaginations. (just earlier we were talking about what it would be like to have Oscar the Grouch form Sesame street come out of your head and tell people to go away for you. Yes, we are not normal.) 

**Enelya**:  I believe there probably is no hope that they will ever truly grow up and I agree; Who would want them to? Certainly not us! We both have a bit of a Peter Pan complex so we are very against growing up and try to keep ourselves from ever being 'responsible adults.' Remus will be in this fic (at least, he's supposed to be.) Heh. Sirius describes him as reasonable in 'Dates, Pranks and Marauders.' I think Remus is sensible, but he also knows how to be a cut-up, which is why we love him so. Oh, and I have been to Italy and can say that yes, stowing away in a small bag would be worth it just to see it again! :) We were both shocked and appalled by the death in book 5 too. The only good thing about it was it gave us the ability to pay attention to and like Harry more since we would practically forget about him trying to find that one special character who died…

**Empress Genevieve:** Oh you! One of, if not _the, _first reviewers ever! Yes, poor Sirius and his ickle bum. Here's your rest of chapter 3! :)  

**running out of ink** : We're glad you liked that part of chapter 3 so much. It made us laugh _tons_ while writing it. Sorry for not posting right when Jess got back for we've been so busy the two of us have had several anxiety attacks (or at least, we _should have had several… I hate being so busy. Yes, we can tell you like our fic. Please do not die over us! :[ We are continuing, so there's no need for any rash actions involving death. It was a very verbal and direct response to say the least. ;)  _

**Carolinus Took:** What is it with all these people having chocolate highs? First themidnightangel and now you? It surely must be an epidemic! Ah! 

**Oneiros lykos:** I'm so very, very sorry we took longer than a month to update. I've been feeling so guilt ridden about all the people who were saying 'please update soon' and here we were (well, jess in italy and me pre-occupied with the jobs from _Hell!!!!!!)  _with nothing to update with since we weren't able to write and then with book 5…argh… Sorry! :*[ As for the question of where did Cestie go? Cestie, as you can see, was in the house but in her room drooling while listening to the radio with her demon dandruff coloured cat by her side. I agree that it's nice to see a story where our dear Sir has _some kind of happiness in his miserable life. That's one of our main reasons for wanting to continue with this. We like a happy childhood for him, dammit._

**Crazy-chic:** so you too suffer from a strange relative! Well, both Jess and I can sympathize, most assuredly. Yes, I am quite sure Sirius' bum is very sore. But you won't see a little thing like a slightly sore bottom keeping him from being as enthusiastically bizarre as he is! :) 

**LJ Fan:** I am almost entirely certain prequel is a word. I'll ask my grandmother (not to be confused with my crazy great grandmother) for she knows everything and when she doesn't, well, I just like to pretend she does for that's what old people are supposed to do. When I'm old and gray I just hope to be as lucid as her. Jess and I have had the aspiration to wear purple dresses and red hats when we're old ever since seeing a group in Disney world called the scarlet ladies which do just that. The day I hit 55 (for that's when you can join that league) I'm starting a club of them! Back to you and away from us, it will be lots of fun when Lily comes and faces the wrath of little Brianna who is quite taken with James (I would be!) Oh yes, lots and lots of fun… :)  

**JulieWeasley**: Your lack of anything flattering to say was most flattering in itself. :) Thank you so much!!! Your 9 'no's were much appreciated too. 

**Ticca**: You soon will know what will happen next my 'eek'ing friend. Well, probably not soon since Jess and I are _way busier than bees, but you will know in the not too, too, distant future. You can be hyper all you want. I appreciate that fully ( though not as much now as I would at another time, for it is getting very late at night or very early in the morning depending on how you look at it… *yawn)_

**Moon*wolf:** Wait, you want us to continue? I couldn't tell from your review… ;) Thank you for loving our story. I showed it to my grandmother who 'knows all' and she said 'but, what's the point of it? What's it's purpose?!' though she said it was quite funny she made me feel quite dismal about it for at least 5 whole minutes. Those 5 minutes were excruciating.

**Liz**: You lived it? You lived out this fic? Oh poor you! I do hope you weren't the one with the burnt bum! ;) Yes, Cestie would be a very good nightmare version granny indeed. I have an abysmal memory too. You've reviewed twice now, if you want to know. ;)  

**Marauderbabe289**: Oh, we shall continue on because of viewers like you! Oh wait, reviewers like you. It's late… And now I'm making corny cracks referring to public access television channels… oh dear… Must persevere… (I'm a natural rhymer and poet as you can see. I was about to rhyme 'see' with 'it just comes naturally' which just goes to show that I should be a lyricist and give up art and acting altogether. Not really…In point of fact, whenever I've been asked to write a poem it _must _rhyme or it's very crappy. Corny poetry is all I'm cut out for… :*\ 

**Didilus Dumbledore: **Love the name. I  really do!  Yes, it _is _our work and not JKR's and I can tell you with absolute certainty that no one will be dying awful deaths like in book5 in _our _story… I'm a little bit hung up on that death and it makes me tear up to think about it (If you can't tell, I'm the emotionally erratic and overly dramatic one of our duo) 

**Lolli-pop princess:** Is your name adopted from the candyland game or is it because you like lollipops and are (or want to be) treated like a princess? Oh we will keep writing, despite our *****sniff***** non-canon-ness

**Perdy pink pineapples:** That's the most different name I've seen in some time. (But I think 'the pez dispenser of Gollum' is a little stranger. It's a real fictitious-name if you'll believe it!) Your review left me in near tears. :*) thank you! 

**Demonic Angel: **I want to continue thinking Sirius' family was nice too. And I will think this with all my will power. Book 5 sucked the happiness from my soul like a Dementor… It was wonderful and had lots of funny moments but…Dammit…You know what I mean, I'm sure. 

**Trashcan**: Hey there kara! Thank you for ganging up on us by way of AIM to make sure we keep our noses to the grindstone!

**Victoria hardman:** Thank you for your review. It was so eloquently written that I found it uplifting indeed. I also found your words very… I was about to say a synonym for uplifting…it's so late at night…I hope I'm not garbling all my sentences and making them looked as slurred as a drunk man's speech… Thanks again! Pardon my sleepy chatter…

**Sassychick** We will continue on! Thank you for taking your time to review. Every review is sacred (singing ala Monty Python song, every sperm is sacred) and every review counts. :)  

**Hermione-in-space:** Oh! Don't die!!! I can't believe it! Another person who is speaking of death in a review… oh dear… Well, there's to be no death on our watch! We are continuing to write, if anything, to stop your suicide threats from following through ;)  

**Myrtle**: I did a lovely picture of 'Moaning' Myrtle and you just reminded me of it. I showed it to a guy who's a therapist while we were talking and I had just been to 3 funerals in a month so he was asking me things like 'Is this reflecting how you felt?' and 'Is this you?' I felt most affronted that he asked that. He said he meant feelings wise, but still!!! I'm quite small and cute, thank you very much. Ah, back to you… I blame the late hour of the night for my rambling. Our fic is not hysterical. Hysterically funny, yes, hysterical, no. Our fic is a very down-to-earth and calm sort of fic. ;)  Heh.

**Cara**: Though I liked book 5 quite a lot (it was so very different from the others) I too was a little put out at _certain people's deaths. Lily is coming later and Remus most probably will appear in our fic for a bit._

**Kat:** Your many pleases were pleasing to us. Thank you! (Wow, you didn't get a paragraph of crazy rants! Good for you!)

**Tilde:** Oh don't cry yourself to death. Crying is no fun, though it can help ease your spleen sometimes. I too want to continue living in the fantasy that Sirius will live forever, had a happy childhood and had a very un-dreadful family. Who's with me?!!!

**Moony, Padfoot and Prongs:** OH! *sobs* Your names… They just reminded me of the time Jess had these four little beanie babies, one of a black dog, one of a deer, one of a wolf and one of a rat, and made a purposeful gesture of knocking poor Padfoot and Prongs to the ground…It made me get all emotional… Thank you, each one of you, for reading and enjoying and reviewing.

*YAWN* I'm finishing the rest in the morning…later morning, I mean.

**Me**: As said before, we're continuing to write ;)  

**Anonymous: Eventually you will know the ending to this story :) But that's very, _very eventually._**

**Padfoot's Devoted Daughter: I too was emotionally distraught, but it was 4 in the morning when I was finishing up the book, so destroying things was out of the question ;)**

**Musicizdbest: **I agree that it's a pity lots of people are, as you said, 'limiting their imaginations.' We will not limit our imaginations, Colleen :) We will expand them like a fat man in pudding. 

**Joie-girl: **Oh! You said 'this isnt 4 this chap' and it was a review written for chapter 4! Hah! I just found that incredibly funny. Well, not incredibly, but mildly amusing.

**Moon Princess**: You are a wonderful person, I've decided. Not only is your review well thought out and very nice, but it has no typos or web-speak. This makes me so happy that I cannot express it with words, which is unfortunate, as it's the only way I can express it to you.

**Sea Dragon: **No, it doesn't matter if it doesn't follow :), for right now we are put out with JK in a mild way…Not really. We love and adore her, _but we just _know_ she has it in for all the good Marauders. It's coming. We just __know she'll kill or somehow make Remus be physically deformed or something. She has it in for that generation! _

 **Hobbitgirl: I'm glad you think it's as funny as 'Dates.' We loved writing that one so much. I think this one is over all better and funnier. We've refined our writing more. Yay! And you see our fics as humourous! Yay! Thank you very much :)**

**Lexi: It's a great fic? We've achieved greatness? Wow! Some day we hope to conquer the world in the same fashion as Alexander did. There shall be many reat cites named after us. What would they be called anyway? I'm not sure how to change our names into city names… Jessopia? Hillariopia? I dunno… I'm thinking more of society names than city names… Ooooo Jessopolis! Hillaria- a town of Hilarity!**

**BB Raeaper: One handed typing is something I was once great at. I did it all the time while on the phone. But now I am somewhat of a Hermit. I don't talk on the phone as much, so my one handed typing is not doing as well. My one handed drawing, however, is still up to par! :) Tofu is wonderful… to make fun of. Its colour is something that frightens me… Any thing that strange off white, grayish, colour can't be good for you. I don't care what the healthy people say. It's strange and I won't even try to like it. :)**

**Little House Girl: Do you like Little House on the Prairie? I've never read those books, actually. But they were sold in my toy shop (when I had one a long time ago.) It was a very nice toy shop. Very cute indeed. I'm glad you're continuing your story, though book 5 may make things non-canon.**

_______ Yes, I'm sure it _was annoying. It most probably won't happen again, and if it does, you just send us another anonymous review to straighten us up so we don't drive anyone mad, ok? :) You weren't rude, on the contrary, you sounded quite cordial ****_

**PLEEZ!:We already wrote what we started. We have yet to finish what we started, though. We can change the rules. We defy rules all the time. Why, just the other day I swear Jess defied the law of gravity. **

**Rock on Losers: To luffle…What a nice word. It's Onomatopoeia, no? I've never had potatoes with cherries. I don't think I will any time soon. And I know Jess won't, for she is a picky eater.    **

**Princess17: Oh look! More royalty! You and Moon princess should meet each other and form a league of princesses similar to the league of scarlet women I talked about earlier that Jess and I are going to join sooner than we want to. **

**Christy: Well, as you are the last of this long list you will receive completely random commentary.You know what? Baboons and Badgers are very violent creatures. Watch Lion King; Rafiki is very violent. He wields that stick and hits people, particularly poor little Simba who just wants to mourn his dead father in peace. Simba's a lot like Harry, besides that whole stuck in a cupboard thing…there aren't any monkeys though… there could be, though! **

If anyone reviewed after July 11, just know that you are not listed because we haven't seen your review. You will be thanked at some time :) Thank you! If you've read all of these reviews, please, seek help. Spending prolonged amounts of time reading our crazy chatter can't be good for you. :) We would know this for we've spent far too much time together and can now say random weird things at the same time. We like to scare Jess' brother, Marcus, by doing this. He freaks every time we do it.

That's all now. Bye

-Hillary and not technically Jess

Jess, would now like to add that she is here now, but is not acting in a proactive manner. In fact, she is using her overheated forehead to act as a hot water bottle on Hillary's belbow (We love Henry V) This is a detriment to Hillary and her typing and not a help at the time. If there are typos, blame Jess and her overheated forehead.


	5. Chapter 4 Finally!

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related themes, ideas, characters, and other miscellaneous things pertaining to Harry Potter are not owned by Hillary or Jess. In fact, they belong to J.K. Rowling, her publishers, and Warner Brothers. 

 A Very Sirius Christmas 

Chapter IV 

            Day had turned to twilight, and twilight was fastly fading into a velvety midwinter night as the males of the Black family, Sean Maloney and James having been added, slowly pulled on their warmest accessories for The Hunt.  The four men- Sirius, James, Sean, and Mr. Black- ignored the rumbling and groaning of their stomachs as they pulled on their snow boots in the Blacks' warm kitchen, glancing jealously at the fire they would soon be leaving behind.  Well, at least James and Sean were. Sirius and his father seemed overjoyed at the prospect of The Hunt.  Sirius was clapping his hands together, and rubbing them in anticipation of using them to claim their prize, while his father examined the blade of his axe with interest.  

            'Oh, I do hope you've all eaten enough!'  Mrs. Black mothered incessantly. 'You'll all be out for such a _long_ time, and in such weather!'  She glanced nervously out of the frosted kitchen window into the swirling white abyss that had obscured the trees in their vision.  None of them were feeling very much on the full side, as they had just 'enjoyed' a 'hearty' meal of tofu soy hamburgers with fried tofu, in substitute for chips.  The only thing that James had to look forward to was the absolutely tofu-free chocolate cake and hot chocolate that had been promised to the four returning Hunters.  

            'C'mon,' Sirius said suddenly, sitting up stock-still.  'The time is now.  Let's go.'  

            He gracefully got to his feet and strode purposefully towards the door, picking up an axe from an assortment of wet gear and old galoshes.  Mr. Black quickly followed suit, as did James and Sean after making heavy-hearted glances towards the still-roaring flames dancing in the kitchen grate. 

            As the last 'man' finally picked up his axe and headed out of the back door, the women and children anxiously followed like worrisome shadows.  Katherine looked rather sympathetic for Sean, and perhaps James, but, at the same time, she appeared quite frankly relieved that she didn't have to go out in that sort of weather.  Brianna looked after James with an anxious glance followed by a furious blush when he made eye contact by accident.  Melanie, barely visible leaning on the doorpost behind the others, could be seen smirking in her cynical, knowing fashion.  Mrs. Black, her arm around Samantha to keep her from stowing along, was waving after them all with her tea-towel the very same way you might see a woman wave a handkerchief after 'her men' as they go off to some sort of battle.  Somehow, Samantha wrested herself free from her mother's tight grasp and took off clumsily through the deep snow.  Once within reach, she launched herself at Sirius' leg and held on tightly, nearly making him stumble to the ground with the axe still in hand.  

            'Sod off, Samantha, we're on The Hunt.' Sirius growled, staring down at her with disdain.

            'I want to go with you!  Please can't I?!'  Sammy pleaded, gripping his leg even harder.

            'You know the rules, Samantha- no women!'  Sirius snarled.

            'I'm not a women, I'm a GIRL!'  She screamed at the top of her lungs and, having removed herself from his leg, kicked him hard in a very vulnerable place- the shins.

            'Dammit, Sammy, I mean _females_.  Now go back with mum and bake or sew or something.'  Sirius dismissed, turning back round.  

            'FINE!  But you'd _better_ get a bigger one this year, Sirius Black!  The one you got last year was near as small as ME!  I was a unsatisfied customer!'  She called as she was ushered into the house by her mother.   

            With that, they set off into the quickly fading twilight, armed each with an axe, and with Sean and James lugging behind the largest, heaviest sled they had ever seen.  

            They reached the large stretch of woods within a few moments, and the trees around them grew larger and larger with every step they took.  James really couldn't see what prevented them from just grabbing the first decent one they saw, chopping it down, and dragging the thing back to the house.  In fact, James couldn't see much of a difference in any of the trees, and told the others so.

            'I really don't see much of a difference in any of these trees…' James told the others in a would-be nonchalant voice.

            'Obviously _you've_ never hunted a tree before,' Sirius grunted, swiveling his head so as not to miss a single tree.

            'Well, what about that one, then?' James asked, pointing to a fir tree of about fifteen feet.

            '_What_?  _That_ one?'  Sirius scoffed, looking down at the tree rather like a Malfoy might do.  As matter of fact, the look on his face quite plainly said, 'I am so disgusted by you that I can't hardly stand to look upon your wretch face any longer, because of the fact that I am so incredibly better than you will ever dream of being.'

            'Oh, OK,' James said dully.

            'Why don't you just leave the picking to me, alright?'  Sirius said, joining his father in circling a potential tree.  

            Sean and James looked on with definite discontent as the other pair spent no less than twenty minutes debating over the exact height of the tree, and whether or not it was in perfect proportion to its breadth.  

~Two Hours Later~

            'Well, the proportions are right on this one, but look at that great dirty bald patch!  That's certainly not attractive.'

            'And there's hardly any room left for the gifts thanks to these little boughs.'

            'This is definitely _not_ the right tree.  Sean, that's the last time we listen to you about anything!  You've wasted at least half an hour.'

            Sirius and Mr Black circled the tree menacingly, as though wanting dearly to execute it for its insolence.  

            'Ah!  Dad!  Look!'  Sirius called out with a particularly keen look in his eye, 'this one is absolutely _brilliant!_'

            'What?  Oh yes, that one _is_ perfect.  Well boys, get to it.'  Mr Black said, looking at Sean and James expectantly.  

            'Oh, I've never cut down trees before,' James explained hastily, shooting a nervous glance at his axe, which was currently resting on the heavy sledge.  

            'I suppose you'll have to learn quickly, then,' Mr Black said cheerfully.  

            'C'mon James, this stuff is easy.  _I've_ been doing it since I was eight years of age.  It's easier than kissing a girl,' Sirius told him good-naturedly, cuffing him round the shoulder.  

            'OK,' James consented nervously.  He highly doubted that it was easier than kissing a girl.   Lifting the axe was proving to be a difficult task unto itself.  

            James and Sean figured out more or less what they should do to fell the mighty tree, and were quite nearly killed when the heavy wood and mass of needles nearly crushed their skulls.  Loading it onto the sledge was an even mightier task.  It was very difficult to find hand holds on the sticky, sap-covered trunk, especially whenever Sirius and his father were yelling things such as 'be careful not to bend those branches!' and 'it if drags along the ground we'll have to get another!'  

            After several tedious minutes during which they were completely unassisted, James and Sean strapped the tree to the sledge, wiped their brows, and sunk into the deep snow to take a rest.  

            Sirius began to inspect the tree.  He seemed to think that it was a quite decent tree, and as a final test, plucked a single needle from the topmost branch and put it in his mouth.  As he chewed, a sort of weird grimace came upon his face.

            'Nope, 'fraid not.'

            '_What?  Why not?'  Sean voiced, not a little un-angrily, looking up from his newfound cocoon of snow.  _

            'Well _Sean, this tree will only last two weeks once we've cut it, and there are about three days until Christmas, and twelve days _of_ Christmas, so that's very __obviously not enough, _Sean_,' Sirius explained impatiently._

            'You can tell all that from eating a pine needle?'  James asked.

            '_Yes, all __real men can, right Dad?'_

            'That's right son,' Mr Black said proudly, clapping a hand on his only son's shoulder.

            'Let's keep going!'  Sirius cried enthusiastically, letting slip a mighty battle cry, pointing his axe forward as if it were a sword.  With that they were gallivanting deeper and deeper into the dark forest, Sirius rushing far ahead with unprecedented vigour.  

            James soon came to notice that the trees were beginning to get closer and closer together as the foliage overhead blocked out the little moonlight that had previously guided their way.  James also started noticing strange, glowing red and yellow eyes peering evilly at them from all sides.  

            'Perhaps we should head back,' Sean said nervously.  Of course this suggestion was utterly ignored.  

~Two and One-Half Hours Later~

            'How about this one?' James asked for the five-hundred and eighty-seventh time, his voice beginning to sound hoarse from asking.  

            'No,' Sirius told him for the five-hundred and eighty-seventh time.

            'How about this one?'

            'No.'

            'What about this one?'

            'No.'

            'This one?'

            'No.'

            'This-'

'No.  No.  No.'

'But how about this-'

However, at this time, the branch Sirius was holding back for the others to pass through was now flying at James with the incredible speed that only a catapult can muster.  James, having recovered from his severe beating by the branch, had suspicions that Sirius might have done it on purpose.  In fact, he was quite sure that it had nothing to do with accident.  

'How about this one?'

FWOP

'Well, what about this one?'

FWOP

'Just look at this one here!'

FWOP

'Look,' Sirius said slowly and deliberately as if explaining to a very obstinate three-year-old, 'I don't know if you realise this, but I'm hitting you on purpose.  If you don't shut up quickly, I may be forced to uproot a tree and beat you mercilessly with it.'

Suddenly James found that he had nothing more to say and no more suggestions.  In fact, he trudged along in absolute silence for quite some time.      

                   After a few hours, James kind of wanted to talk again.  He didn't much care to whom.  Talking to Sirius was quite out of the question as he was currently swinging up in the branches of a tree to test for ornament-holding capabilities, or 'OHC,' as he called it.  

            'So, Sean,' James began awkwardly, 'you went to Hogwarts, then?'

            'Yes.'

            'What house were you in?  Gryffindor?'  James questioned.

            'No.'

            'What house, then?' James asked again.

            'Ravenclaw.'

            'Oh… play any quidditch at all?' James tried again.

            'No.'

            'Then I guess you were a prefect then?'

            'Yes.'

            'I'm also a prefect.'

            'Oh.'

            'Were you Head Boy?'

            'Yes.'

            'I'm going to be Head Boy, no competition.'

            'Ok.'

            'I like quidditch.'

            'Listen, James, I would love to talk to you about this, but I'm just not in a really 'talky' sort of mood.  I feel generally rather unpleasant, and my lips are nearing the point of frostbite.  Save this for another time.'

            'Alright,' James said, uncomfortably shoving his hands into his pockets.

            'Shut up, you're frightening away the game!'  Sirius hissed angrily.

~Two Hours Later~

'Ah! My men have returned!' Mrs Black cried, scooping Sirius and Mr Black into an enourmous hug. Though usually embarrassed by such a display of affection, it seemed that Sirius rather liked getting the attention over their wonderful deed. 'It must have been frightfully cold and dark! You were all _so brave_!' Mrs Black said proudly as she quickly offered them all steaming mugs of hot chocolate. Sammy was looking on just as eager and enthusiastic about their new tree and the 'conquering heroes.' While Mrs Black and Samantha were ooing and awing at the new tree through the window the others were looking at the state of Sean and James in abject horror.

'Aw, dad! What'd you do to them?' Katherine asked anxiously as she began inspecting Sean's face, which happened to be covered by various cuts, bruises, and other mild surface lacerations in addition to a blossoming black eye.

'Oh, nonsense, Katherine. We were just out having a good time in nature. Isn't that right Sean?' Mr. Black asked with a huge slap to Sean's back. Sean tried his hardest to smile in return but instead managed a pained grimace as his balance was slightly upset by the unexpected hearty slap on his back. Katherine just rolled her eyes as her father led Mrs Black and the others out to inspect the tree closer.

'Oh, it's even better than last year's, dear.'

'And, have you noticed, it's much taller than last year's too,' Sirius interjected.

'Oh! And look at how lush and green the branches are.'

'And there's more room for presents underneath it,' Sirius added proudly. 

James, being very sick indeed of anything having to do with trees or being outside in the cold, decided to head back into the warmth of the house. It didn't take long before he noticed Katherine kissing poor Sean's head (the twins were, of course, running up to him and squealing as they vigourously inspected his wounds.) James was missing Lily more than ever. He forlornly sat on the couch to think about Lily ('Two days to go. Two days to go…') Suddenly he felt the couch shift under the weight of someone sitting beside him. 

'James, would _you_ like some hot chocolate?' Melanie asked James, noticing his violent tremours.  

            'Derr-hur-ff-fff-' James stuttered, moving as though to pitch head first into the hearth.  

            'Oh…alright, then,' Melanie decided, handing a large mug to James.  

            James took the cup and held it dearly close to him, his hands shaking in such a way that the liquid over-flowed sporadically from all sides of the cup.  He really didn't seem to mind that the steaming beverage was dripping all over his hands and arms.  

'I _tried_ to warn you,' Melanie said, sounding sympathetic as Brianna scooted her way towards James, looking as if she'd like to kiss away his wounds any time. While James was trying to avoid eye contact with Brianna, he noticed that the living room's ceiling was now nearly twice the height it had been before he left the house. Mr Black was quickly shrinking the newly dubbed 'Best Christmas tree EVER!' so as to bring it into the living room while Sirius was loudly rustling through their hallway closet, roughly tossing out several cardboard boxes that read in his own scratchy scrawl 'X-mas ornaments!!!' The moment the tree was set in place a large enthusiastic cry rang through the living room.

'TIME TO DECORATE THE TREE!!!' Sirius yelled, all the while balancing the several cumbersome boxes of ornaments and running towards the tree at breakneck speed. The family didn't need telling twice. In no time at all they were all participating in the decorating of the tree with various old ornaments, many of which were homemade and manufactured out of Popsicle sticks. Mrs Black was hanging the ornaments of her favourite Rugby team while Melanie and Mr Black doled out the live faeries for good measure. Sirius ardently handed out ornaments and oversaw their placement, not seeming to notice James' bruises, or the fact that he was sound asleep on the couch. In fact, no one really noticed James at all since the tree was being decorated.

 In order to add to the Christmas spirit and also to adhere with the long list of Black family traditions, Mrs Black put on their slightly old, slightly scratched 'Bing Crosby Christmas Special' record. As 'I'm dreaming of a White Christmas' echoed sleepily though the house, James slept on obliviously with visions of Lily dancing in his head.

***

Sirius had been acting rather peculiarly in the following days. He had disappeared from the household for long amounts of time and would not let James into the room until he had covertly looked down the hallways from his mysteriously darkened bedroom. One time Brianna came up to tell them it was time for dinner and swore she heard something alive under the bed. No one was really surprised that she heard something alive under the bed, for Sirius didn't keep his room exactly neat and clean (especially underneath his bed, which had been known to house animals and forgotten food before.)

After growing bored of intellectual discourse with Melanie, James made his way up to Sirius' room to write yet another letter to Lily. James came into Sirius' room to find that Sirius was mysteriously missing for the third time that day. But as James was quite used to this around birthdays and such at Hogwarts, he quickly assumed that Sirius just did the same thing at his house around the Christmas holidays. In order to make sure Sirius was truly not there James was about to yell 'Sirius!' but stopped himself upon hearing an eerie noise drifting from the closet.  It sounded suspiciously like classical music.  Noticing that the light was on in the closet, and thus intrigued, James went closer to more thoroughly inspect it. He approached it with not a little trepidation, as he had never, in fact, been in Sirius' closet; knowing full well it was probably for a good reason considering the state of the rest of Sirius' bedroom (especially under the bed). Upon opening the door James found himself very much surprised, for instead of there being a mess of clothes and forgotten sandwiches or some kind of starved dark creature that had been put there for 'safe keeping' (as had happened in a similar experience back in second year) he found a very startled Sirius sitting on a bean bag, a tiny pair of reading glasses askew on his face, a record player sitting on top of a impeccably organised book shelf playing the complete opuses of Chopin, and with a book in his hands: A book which was quickly tossed aside.

'Er- Hello James. What brings you here?'

'I was looking for you and the light was on in your closet… What was that book?'

'What book?'

'The one you just threw over here,' James said, going to pick up the incriminating book.

            'Wait- DON'T!' Sirius cried, but it was too late.

'What is this? _Sense and Sensibility_ by Jane Austen? I didn't know you read anything other than dirty magazines and comics, Padfoot,' James teased, snatching the book to more closely scrutinize it.

'I wasn't reading that…' Sirius muttered lamely. 

'Yeah, right.'

'I _wasn't_'

'It's okay, Sir. It's not like I'm going to 'tell someone' that Sirius Black is a closet classical novel reader,' James said, looking around the closet and noting Sirius had a great number of very thick novels, all very worn and all having obviously been read many times before. 'Why do you have them all hidden in your closet anyways? It's not like you'd be ostracized or anything.' At this point Sirius was blushing vehemently.

'Don't- tell- _anyone_,' Sirius growled through his teeth.

'Yar, yar. Besides, who'd believe me? It's about as believable as the fact that _you_ play the piano,' James replied, tossing the novel back to Sirius, who deftly caught it. Sirius was looking on with a mixture of utter loathing and mortification on his face.

'How long have you known?' 

'For about- oh, four years now. Remember when I heard you playing in my house that time?'

'Well- yes, but I told you it was one of your house elves.'

'Hah! And you thought I believed you?' 

'Well, a guy can hope,' Sirius smirked before turning on some very loud Beatles music. 'I need to de-geek myself now!' He yelled over the music as James sat down to write his other letter to Lily. 

Now, it was hard enough to write Lily under the best of circumstances (he always got writer's block with her) but with Sirius playing 'that music' with the bass turned all the way up… It made it quite hard indeed… oh yes…

After some halfhearted attempts at writing a romantic soliloquy, James decided to spend his time doing something g much more productive; counting down the hours, minutes and seconds till he'd see Lily. 

'Lets see now… twenty six hours, forty four minutes and…twenty one seconds…' He mumbled as Sirius tossed his tiny reading glasses under his bed, which growled in return.

***

**END OF CHAPTER FOUR**

**A/N:** Yay!!! We've finally written and updated! Sorry for taking so terribly long. We've both been very busy and started calling this 'the chapter that resembles a lead weight strung about someone's neck till they turn blue and _die!_' Thank you everyone for being patient (or wanting to be patient, or even thinking about being patient.) We've been really awful on updates, I know. Now that I've thanked everyone and spoken to each individual once I feel a precedent has been set that I can't change… The next update may or may not have personalized 'thank you's depending on how busy I am, but know we will always be very appreciative of each and every review. Thanks are in order for those who reviewed! :) 

Thanks to the following people:

**Britany:** One of the best fics you've ever read? ;*)  *sniffs  Thank you. And thanks for commenting our sense of humour. We really hope we have a good one. I want to hope we have that and good taste but as they said in When Harry Met Sally 'Everyone thinks they have a good sense of humour and good taste, but they can't all possibly have both.' 

**Hermione-in-space:** A very happy and very belated happy birthday to you! Sorry we haven't been updating ;/

 **Moon*Wolf2: **Sorry for not updating soon, but hopefully we've been keeping the work good. We'll have to see…hmm. But as you can see, poor Jamsie…

 **mystical dreams**: Ah, it should be you poor thing, singular, for Jess didn't stay up late writing those bizarre thank you-replies. ;) Grrr. I'm not bitter in the least…Actually I'm not bitter, but I am very egocentric. ;)  I wrote 98% of them and Jess was in the room for the last two percent. She was very helpful for that last two percent. So, back to you and away from my lamenting, why are you known as prongs, m'dear?

**Oneiros lykos**: DUDE! (heh heh.) I love writing personal replies to people. It cheers me up :) You're very welcome for continuing the story. I love giving Sirius the life he **should **have had. Poor Sirius… :(

**princess17**: I love having royalty present. It makes me feel much more proper. Thanks for calling our fic super. That makes me have a warm toasty feeling. :)

**Cremia: **I'm so glad you like our fic! :) I love laughing hysterically and earning strange looks from my friends/family, whichever is present at the moment. I like to do it without my computer present sometimes when coming up with a kooky fic idea. I must say that when I randomly (to them at least) start laughing out loud it must look like I'm mentally subnormal. Sorry we didn't update sooner. And you asked so nicely too…

** little-lost-one: **Thanks for reviewing. It was very short and to the point, indeed. We didn't add more soon, but aren't you glad we added a whole chapter without splitting it up or anything? :) 

**BB Raeaper: **Sorry to be so off topic but, how **do** you pronounce your name? I keep trying to say it out loud and just can't.Oh…never mind… That first 'a' isn't supposed to be there as I've just read in you review. I would edit what I just typed out but I'm too lazy to do that. Yes, my dear friend, you deserved two smileys. I really enjoyed your little anecdote thingy.:) What would you call it? Hmm… Well, I like it what ever it was. :)

**Elven Warrior 1: **Do you like Lord of the Rings? I sure do. I wish I had time to read the books though. I have yet to read them. I've only read the hobbit and seen a whole assortment of Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movies. I'm glad you like, you like, you like, you like our fic so much. ;)

**lollipop princess: **We are very unoriginal when it comes to names, I guess, for we didn't change our names or come up with something clever like many of you reviewers have. We are simply Hillary and Jess, the very same thing we are in real life. Little brothers can be a pain. I am technically an only child (yay!!!) but have dealt with half-brothers and little cousins **a lot** in the past. Yes, I'm very happy I never had to deal with siblings. It made growing up much easier and less stressful. 

** Levena Hearts: **Yes, as said before, Star Wars would have been a very funny film for them to see. I can just see Sirius going mad with impressions of wookies and yoda-speak and using his wand as a light saber. Unfortunately Star Wars came out in 1977 and this story is set in 1976 and we are going for as much authenticity as we can. :) 

**lelegurl9: **I'm glad we didn't stop the story because of tOoTP too. Yes, that book is a little depressing, but it's my second favourite of the series because it gave us lots of character development. My favourite of course is the Prisoner fo Azkaban, but this book was very good and I liked that it didn't have a black and white climax like the other books did. The flow seemed to be more real to me than many of the other books. Well you got an ear full. ;) 

**Carolinus Took: **I have blamed my old Physics teacher from way back in the day for most evils in the world. I still think it's best to blame him for things. I don't really dislike him, I just like being able to complain about him though I haven't seen the man in years. I'll always remember that he told me I'd be penniless and unhappy because my profession is Studio Art. Well I am neither! Ah HAH! I have many pennies and am very happy indeed. We are still going to continue on with this fic, though the pace of updates will most probably make people have seizures. ;/

 ** Little House Girl: **Our story is interesting! Oh I'm so delighted it hasn't bored people thus far. :) As stated before, you can't discern anything about us from our name except that our names arein fact Hillary and Jess.We will continue on! :)

**Star23: **I love your reviews. It's as simple as that. They always point out precise bits you enjoyed, giving us a clear picture of what made the reading pleasurable to you. I just love getting you detailed reviews! Thank you!

**crazy-chic2: **Aw, I know we've been horrible about updating. Hopefully this won't continue on…hopefully. We'll really try though. You just keep on our back, ok?

**Technicolor: **Thank you so much for your review. Not only was it nice and flattering but also, it was written very well. I hate it when I see those 'update soons' written at the end and I'm replying about a month later. It makes me feel so guilty.

**Zanella: **Wow Zanella, you really give Star a run for her money with detailed reviews! ;) (just kidding Star) As said before, I love detailed reviews and you did one for each chapter in one day! That makes me happier than I can express. :D

**Brittany: **I'm glad you think it's great, and yes, we are going to write more.

**Euca: **You spell much better than many native speakers/spellers. Very good job! Yes, it's out of canon, but that's ok. We've come to terms with it. Thank you for your support. Keep practicing your English by reviewing ;)

**Uknowwhoslittleprincess: **We seem to make lots of parents stop and stare at their offspring as they laugh far too loudly for their own good. I hope it's not causing any trouble on the home front ;) I know I should know, but I'm an old fuddy-duddy and 'web-speak' is very foreign to me. What does roflmao mean? I think it starts rolling on the floor laughing maniacally…then I can't think what the rest could stand for…

**Uglinessrox55: **Three 'lol's in one review. I may be an old fuddy-duddy, but I know what that means! Glad you thought the fic was funny :)

**perdy pink pineapples 1: **The whole scene with the door was lots of fun writing. I'm a big fan of Christmas music and thoroughly believe we should listen to it year-round. I do, which drives some people mad when it's 90 degrees out and there I am singing 'In the bleak midwinter.'

**Trashcan:** Well, it took us nearly forever to update then and now it's been a month since our last update. We're really trying to get our act in gear, though.

**April: **Hope this last chapter was long enough, April. Is that your real name or a pseudo-name? Or can you tell me? If not, I won't be offended. I'm very private online personally, not even revealing precisely where I live. 

** running out of ink: **I just love getting reviews with detailed account of what you like! Thank you! I like that part too. It cracks me up every time. :)

 If some of you are wondering, yes, I still know it's you even though I typed your now updated name. Isn't it fun how many have numbers tagged onto their names now? I find it at least mildly amusing. Hopefully we'll update soon. Realistically, probably not, knowing us, but we'll try and that's what counts, right?

-Hillary and (not technically) Jess 

(Jess is not present, but I'm sure she wants to be)

I would like to inform everyone that my birthday is September 22! I'll be old, but who knows if we will have updated by then. I am very excited about this birthday, not because I am reaching a certain age, but because I have everything I truly need and have no idea whatsoever as to what I will receive.

-Hillary  


	6. Chapter 5 Happy Christmas!

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related themes, ideas, characters, and other miscellaneous things pertaining to Harry Potter are not owned by Hillary or Jess. In fact, they belong to J.K. Rowling, her publishers, and Warner Brothers. **

** A Very Sirius Christmas **

**Chapter IV **

A pair of eyes flashed brightly behind a pair of spectacles from the Black family stairwell at four-thirty on Christmas morning. A shadowy figure clutching a tartan robe closely to it slunk along the banister and snuck stealthily towards the living room. 

Melanie Black softly chuckled in triumph as she leapt into the dark, empty present area. _Hah!_ She thought to herself _this year, I'll be the first to Christmas. He can't beat me this year_. _No one in their right mind wakes up at this hour_. Suddenly, she laughed quite maniacally, raising her hands into tiny fists of glee. 

'Finally!' Two exasperated voices called in unison from somewhere near the Christmas tree. In a panic, Melanie hurried to throw the lights on. Amid the presents beneath the tree, in full Lotus position, sat Sirius with Samantha in his lap, holding a large brown teddy. Both of them had identical scowls of impatience plastered on their faces. 

'What?!' Melanie cried indignantly.

'You've certainly taken your dear, sweet time. Sammy and I've been up for nearly two hours now!' Sirius said rather boredly. 

'Bu-Ve-Fi- NO!' Melanie sputtered. 'It's not _fair_!'

'Fairness has nothing to do with it, Mel.'

'Yeah! Life's not fair!' Samantha explained.

'_I _got up at _four-thirty_ in the bloody _morning_ to beat you!'

'I suppose you should have gotten up earlier, then. If you aren't going to try harder, Mel, you might as well not even compete,' Sirius told her, flicking a bit of dust off of Samantha's teddy. 

'Ergh!' Melanie argued as she sat down beside them. Soon she brightened up considerably-

'Oooh! Stocking!' She pointed suddenly to the hearth. Within seconds, she had quickly snatched her own monogrammed stocking from its nail and was busy ciphering through her small presents.

'You can't do that! That's against the law!' Sirius informed her angrily.

'That's _wrong_, Melanie. That makes you _morally corrupt_.' Samantha added, repeating several phrases she had heard before, usually in context with Sirius' name. 

'_Stockings_ are fair game,' Melanie scoffed, stuffing a particularly fat caramel into her small mouth.

'Says _who_?' Samantha demanded haughtily.

'Says me and many certified psychologists, now, do you want _your_ stocking or not?' 

****

'I don't care about the _family tradition_, Sirius; there is no way you're going to sit in my lap!'

'_Melanie_, come _on_, we've done this every year since- forever!'

'No!'

'Come _on_, Melanie, you're the oldest, so _you've_ got to be on the bottom.'

'Have you noticed that Sirius has grown quite a lot? I thought you were smart, Samantha.'

'But you _gotta_ let Sirius and me sit in your lap until Mum and Dad get up, that's what we _always _do!'

'No! No! NO! Sirius weighs twice as much as I do, and you're no paperweight. There is no way I'm going to let you sit in my lap!'

'You're just bitter because you're smaller than everyone else!' Sirius proclaimed.

'No, I just don't want to be crushed by your three- hundred pounds of non-muscle!'

'I do _not_ weigh three-hundred pounds, and I have very developed muscles, thank you very-'

'Would anyone like some Christmas tea?' Mrs Black said serenely as she flicked the lights on. 

'Yeah, that sounds fine, Mum.' 

'Sure, whatever.'

'I want seven cubes of sugar, Mum, and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads and loads of milk!'

'Alright, well, why don't you kids go get everyone else up so we can open your gifts, hmm?' Mrs Black suggested, bustling off into the kitchen.

'We have permission, we can do whatever we want!' Sirius exhorted, dashing away up towards his bedroom. He threw open his bedroom door, quickly did away with the window hangings, was disappointed to find that it was still completely dark outside, and then roughly shook James with a bark of impatience.

'Wake up it's Christmas!'

James twitched uncomfortably.

'Father Christmas has come and gone, James! December the twenty-fifth is upon us! Get up you great lump, get up!' Sirius added with a kick.

James moaned and muttered something about burnt toast. 

'It's Christmas! You know, that lovely day of celebration where we trade gifts and celebrate the birth of Christ?' Sirius asked patiently. 'There are presents, food, carols, sweets, food, presents… food…. Uh, well I want to open up my presents NOW, so get up!' 

James rolled over and pulled the bed clothes up over his head. 

'Oh, hullo, Lily!' Melanie called from the doorframe. 

'Huh?!' James sat up abruptly, quickly smoothing his hair and looking around blearily. 

'It's Christmas. Put on your glasses, go down the stairs, sat your arse on the sofa and wait there until I come for you.' Sirius dictated, rolling his eyes at James' slow pace.

'Move, James, move! We don't have all day!' Samantha ordered, turning purposefully towards Katherine's room.

'Day?' James wondered aloud, but the other three had already moved on down the corridor.

'Samantha, open the door quickly.' Melanie instructed her younger sister. Samantha nodded solemnly and threw back the door.

Simultaneously, Melanie and Sirius began to shout:

'There's chocolate! In their bed! Get it, now! Quick! Go, Go, Go! It's in their pockets!'

Katherine and Sean were mildly surprised to be awoken by shrieks of maniac children pulling and digging throughout the bed, squealing.

'There's no chocolate here!' Lucy called shrilly, her nose violently sniffing the air. 

'Oh, my mistake,' Melanie drawled, inspecting her fingernails. 'It must be downstairs on the sofa, you'd better drag them there, quick.' 

'Go now, Daddin!' Louis shrieked into his father's ear, before ruthlessly biting Sean's arm.

'I think our work is done here,' Samantha told the other two, approaching Brianna's door. 

'Let _me_ get her, this year.' Sirius grinned satanically, reaching for the door and slamming it open. 

'It's Christmas! It's Christmas! It's Christmas! Get UP!' Sirius proclaimed, bouncing up and down about on her bed as the door repeatedly ricocheted off the wall from the force of its opening. 

Brianna slept on, her face completely buried into her pillow. 

'Bri_anna_, wake up! Time for presents!'

She still did not move. Sirius leant down very close to her face, and drew breath so as to shout quite loudly. However, he was interrupted at that point by Brianna quite suddenly swinging up and slapping his face with force enough to knock him across the bed and onto the floor. Sirius gaped in disbelief as she lowered her face back into the pillow. He mouthed wordlessly as he gingerly held his reddening cheek.

'Oooh! That'll leave a mark!' Samantha called from the doorway. Furiously, Sirius leapt to his feet and ran at the bed.

'Argh! Christmas!' He bellowed as he attacked her bed, unceremoniously wrenching her from the sheets. Before she could protest, or slap him again in the face, he heaved her out of the room and began to drag her down the hall. He had nearly reached the living room sofa before, without warning, she sucker-punched him in the kidney with both of her fists clasped tightly together. Sirius had never known such pain.

'Tea?' Mrs Black offered as Sirius spit out a long string of curses. She dropped the tray in astonishment and bustled back into the kitchen with tears in her eyes. 

'Mum? Mum, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it- I didn't mean it!' Sirius called as he limped weirdly after Mrs Black, holding an arm back to massage his injured kidney. 

'Right, well, I think we ought to go and get Brianna and Father out of bed.' Melanie said decisively. 

Sean had collapsed onto the sofa, and Katherine was busying herself with the retrieval of a festive afghan from the back of the couch. James had thrown himself to the floor, dragged his semi-dead body under the coffee table, and curled up into a small, snoring ball. 

'Where's the chocolate! Chocolate! ChocoLATE!' The twins screeched eerily from the inner depths of the Christmas tree, as they leaped monkey-like from branch to branch, biting each of the ornaments in turn to test for possible chocolate content.

'Fine.' Melanie rolled her eyes and reached for the banister. 'I'll just do everything _myself_, then.' 

The living room was silent for several moments, and the only sounds that could be heard were Sirius' persistent apologies coming from the kitchen. After several minutes, a very red-faced Brianna slumped down the stairs with a baby blanket clutched tightly around her, as Melanie followed with her arms crossed, looking very smug indeed. 

Brianna refused to make eye contact with anyone, particularly James, although it did not particularly matter since James was, in fact, fast asleep on the rug. 

Sirius stumped out of the kitchen huffily.

'Well I suppose _she's_ not talking to me any more,' he complained loudly. Suddenly noticing Brianna, he let out and indignant shout of: 'You! How did _you_ get here!'

'Walked,' she replied moodily, watching Melanie with utter loathing as she approached their father's bedroom. 

'Only Dad's left.' Samantha said, looking towards the darkened doorway with anxiety. 

'Yes, well, it's time for one of you to go and get him up,' Melanie instructed.

'Well, I bloody well am not going to do it. You remember what happened last time I tried to wake someone up.' Sirius shot Brianna a dirty look and rubbed the spot on his back where she had sucker-punched him. 

Everyone stared expectantly at Melanie. 

'Fine,' Melanie gave in, rolling her eyes. 'I'll just do everything in this household, then!'

Melanie entered the black abyss that was the master bedroom and closed the door behind her. The Black family waited tensely, straining their ears towards the door, for the screaming, cursing, and inherent breaking of china that was sure to come. 

'Maybe someone should go in, you know,' Sirius suggested into the utter silence. 'Just to make sure she's still alive…' 

A few moments of silence passed before Melanie walked out in front of her unshaven father.

'Dad's ready for Christmas,' she explained tersely. 

'PRESENTS!!!!' Sirius proclaimed, leaping up onto the couch with glee and gesticulating wildly with his arms.

'Presents! Presents! Presents!' Lucy cottoned on, leaping nimbly from the Christmas tree.

'Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate!' Louis joined in at the twins' customary high pitch. Lucy suddenly stopped her screaming and turned to her brother-

'It's _presents_, Louis,' she told him calmly.

'Oh…' Louis nodded in understanding.

'Presents! Presents! Presents!' The two began their harmonious shrieks again. 

'Gift Time!' Sirius called, already having waded waist-deep into the present pile. He was busy tossing other people's gifts aside as he stacked up the parcels with his own name. Suddenly everyone in the Black family was scrambling wildly to sort their own gifts. 

'Come and get your bloody presents out of my way, James,' Sirius called to his friend as he encountered several large gifts obstructing his hunt.

'What?' James called drunkenly from beneath the coffee table.

'Your presents are in my way, get them out!' he called impatiently.

'But my parents already gave me my gifts, remember?' James yelled from his slumber.

'_We_ gave you presents, moron,' Sirius told him, unceremoniously tossing a particularly large gift towards James' face.

'I get to go first!' Samantha told everyone domineeringly. '_I'm_ the _youngest_.'

'You're not. Louis and Lucy are far younger than _you_,' Melanie contested.

'No. James gets to go first because he's the _guest_,' Mrs Black stated firmly.

'NO!' Samantha protested.

'Wha-?' Sirius added.

'It's really quite alright. There really was no need to even get me presents. Please don't bother yourself over me, I don't even want-' James stammered, glancing nervously at the daggers shot at him from all sides by the younger Black children, Sirius included.

'NO!' Mrs Black shouted, her eyes blazing. 'James goes first! And no arguing!'

Those members of the family aware enough to understand her words suddenly fell silent. Katherine gave a large snore from the sofa as she turned over.

'Alright…' James said uncertainly. 

'Here James, dear, this one is from me…'

****

'I'm going to name him Snuffles, after my bear that died,' Samantha cooed, hugging close the enormously adorable black puppy that had just wizzled all over one of Sean's gifts.

'That's a good name,' Sirius agreed, grinning at the puppy.

'But… where've you been hiding it, Sir?' James asked warily, looking at the bow-topped dog.

'Under my bed, of course,' Sirius waved the question off. 'Since I gave the best gift, I get to go next! We're skipping you, Brianna.'

'But that's not fair, you skipped me last round, too!' Brianna protested.

'No one cares what _you_ get. You're dumb,' Sirius told her, hastily unwrapping a book-shaped package. 

'I hope you like it…' Mrs Black fretted, wringing her hands. 

'Oh Mum! I love them! You know how I accidentally set flame to the sheet music for Opus 64 Number 8 last fall! I'm going to go play right now!' Sirius eagerly clutched the piano books to his chest and began to dash towards the Blacks' large piano. He suddenly stopped, mid-stride. 'That is, I would play them if I played the piano… which I don't.'

'Open _my_ present now, Sirius, open mine!' Samantha entreated, hanging onto Sirius' upper arm. 

'Right-o.' 

'But it's _my_ turn!' Brianna complained futilely.

'Actually, we skipped your turn. It's mine,' Melanie said quietly.

Sirius quickly unwrapped yet another book-shaped parcel.

'What _is_ this?' he said, flipping awkwardly through the thick, handmade pages of the fat book. 

'Can't'cha read? It's a book. It's called _How To Be the Bestest Auror **EVER**!!!_ by Samantha K Black. I wrote it. Melanie helped, some. But I did more.'

Sirius looked in horror as he read through the book. It contained sentences that showed no more than a menial grasp of the English language, accompanied by many graphic pictures. Most of them depicted a black-haired, blue-eyed individual suffering from death in many ways. 

'Oh, that's my favourite page!' Melanie squealed with delight. ''If you're not really extra vigilant, this will maybe happen to you,'' she read loudly, holding up the picture for all to see. A figure that was clearly supposed to be Sirius was depicted half-blown up and halfway Transfigured into a fly man with several limbs missing. Something that looked suspiciously like intestines was hanging on its ears. Sirius noticed that Samantha had taken the time to border all of the pages with various macabre artefacts. Bones and internal organs were among the most frequent of these frames.

'Uh… Thanks, Samantha. I'll put it right next to my Bible,' Sirius grimaced.

'I _knew_ you'd like it!' Samantha smiled innocently. She truly had no idea how gruesome it was.

****

'It's time for Christmas Tea!' Mrs Black called up the stairs, beaming at her perfectly decorated cakes and sweets, sitting arranged nicely on silver platters. 

With a tale-tell thundering noise, every member of the Black family, James added, assembled in the multi-purpose room. 

'Is everyone here? Where's Cestie at?' Mrs Black serenely asked.

'We're not waking up the wench,' Katherine said. 'She makes small children cry.'

'What a coincidence. So does Melanie,' Sirius grinned at his older sister. 

'Ooh! Cookies!' several members of the Black family noticed. Within moments, Mrs Black's painstakingly created sweets were no more.

'What time is it?' James hissed anxiously at Sirius, nervously flattening his hair. 

'Why James, are you expecting someone?' Sirius asked sarcastically. 

'You know Lily was supposed to be here five minutes ago, Sirius,' James said impatiently, completely missing the sarcasm in his nervous frenzy. 

'Oh, that _Lily_ girl is coming here, is she?' Brianna growled behind her teacup. 

'James, I had no idea you were expecting Lily! I guess she'll have to sleep out in the snow… or with Cestie. Personally I'd chose the snow…'

'But- no! You come Lily said- here! Invite! You!' James sputtered, again missing the sarcasm.

'Well, I didn't know you even liked her. It's not like you ever talk about her…'

'What are you saying? I don't understand! You were there- at the school. Me-Lily- hat! Nee! You were there! You remember!' 

'Oh, yeah, I had nearly forgotten that. But, really, it's not like you want to fu-'

'No! You not talk! I don't want to have sex with Lily!'

'Oh, really?' Lily said, dusting the ashes off of her jumper as she stepped out of the flue. 

**END OF CHAPTER FIVE**

**Author's Note: **

Well, it certainly has been a long while since we've posted, eh? Think of this as an early Christmas gift. You know, when we started this, we intended to have it finished by the end of summer… now it's the Christmas season and we're writing about Christmas… go figure. Well, Hillary and I know how much you all love lengthy author's notes and personalized thank-you. However. We sort of reckoned you'd all prefer to get the chapter sooner rather than later. 

So… hopefully, in the New Year, Hillary's exciting career will not be so demanding, and Jess will stop lighting things on fire, rendering her hands entirely useless for weeks at a time.

Well, I think we've all arrived at a very special place here. So let's not ruin it by rambling on. 

Happy Christmas

Or Hanukah

Or Kwanzaa

Or Saturnalia

Or whatever holiday you chose to observe in late December. 

As always, reviews are greatly appreciated, particularly ones that tell us your favourite parts.

Until the next chapter

~Jess, and technically Hillary


	7. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related themes, ideas, characters, and other miscellaneous things pertaining to Harry Potter are not owned by Hillary or Jess. In fact, they belong to J.K. Rowling, her publishers, and Warner Brothers. **

** A Very Sirius Christmas **

Chapter VI 

            'Pass the crap,' Sirius said with annoyance as his mother placed a steaming bowl of tofu-laced, otherwise unknown sludge on the Blacks' supper table.

            'Now, Sirius, that's really not very nice,' Mrs Black said, looking slightly hurt.

            'It's an expression, Mum,' he replied through gritted teeth as he began to devour the poison, hoping to leave the table early.

            'Oh.  Well, I suppose we should start planning the party while we're all here together,' Mrs Black suggested.  'Even Cestie's here.'

            Lily grimaced in horror as bits of Cestie's _Witch's Brew for Witches, Too: Dietary Replacement_ flecked onto her cheek and food.

            Lily turned to James and smiled prettily.  She then made a gesture at the food and wrinkled her nose.  James thought she looked rather cute, but he tried to sign in some way for her not to eat the food.  He mouthed to her '_Don't eat the tofu_,' but Lily was distracted as Louis and Lucy's shrill cries broke the air as their mother slopped their servings of the strange staple onto their plates.  

            Lily looked over to Sirius and noted that he was eating the food with rigorous force.  He winked at her as his stomach gave a vociferous groan of complaint.  Much to James and Sirius' chagrin, Lily picked a petite portion of the food, which happened to be three-bean casserole, or something resembling it, and raised it to her mouth tenderly.  

            Melanie took a sharp breath as Lily nearly consumed the bit, but fortunately she was distracted by Brianna.  Ever since Lily had arrived at the Black household, she had felt welcomed and loved.  However, there was one chip of ice that wouldn't let her rest.  Brianna had seated herself across from Lily and had not taken her gaze away from her for a single moment.  

            She glared with such venom it was hardly imaginable.  James didn't notice though, he was too busy staring lovingly at Lily.  In order to mock James, Sirius sat just outside of his peripheral vision, his counterfeit lovesick gaze oscillating between Lily and James.  With all the staring- and now Melanie had joined in to see what was going on- it was difficult for Lily to eat anything at all.  Sadly, it did not stop her from taking tentative tastes of the 'food.'

            'Well, I know it's a bit last minute,' Mr Black took up conversation again, referring to the New Year's Eve party he had suggested earlier in the day, 'but I think we could all have quite a bit of fun.  Sirius, you can invite as many people as you'd fancy, this time.'

            'What about me?!  Don't _I_ get to invite people?  You're always leaving me _out_!'  Brianna cried indignantly, finally breaking her vicious eye lock with Lily.

            'You don't _have_ any people to invite, Bri,' Sirius pointed out, grabbing a low-carbohydrate roll and stuffing it into his mouth, whole.  'I think it's a great idea, Dad!'

            'Sirius just wants to have the party so he can hit on 'chicks,'' Melanie scoffed with contempt.

            'Speaking of Sirius 'hitting on chicks,' Mum,' Brianna began, a devilishly impish grin of revenge on her face. 'I think you'd be interested to know what I found in Sirius' trunk about three weeks ago!  I found a rather large box filled with ribbed con-'     

            'CARDS!  She found my box of cards!  The little joker, some of them have- they have ribbons on them, innit?'  Sirius lied quickly.  'So about the party…'

            'It's interesting, but it's really amazing how quickly he uses the cond-'

            'CARDS!  I certainly do trade those cards quickly.'  

'Why, I looked in the box again the other day and there were hardly _any_ left at all.'  Brianna smirked, 'It's practically mathematical how they disappear every time he goes on a date.'

'Well, we know how Sirius just loves to trade cards with girls,' Melanie covered for him.  

Brianna scowled as her sisters ganged up on her.  It seemed they would always favour Sirius. 

'Yeah. Maybe we could have some of our muggle family come as well,' Katherine suggested to draw the topic away, pretending to flick some dust off the top of her food as she fed it to the dogs, not too inconspicuously.  

            Lily was not quite as devious; rather, she continued to eat the food even though she began to feel rather hot and dizzy.  James noted that her face, while a brilliant shade of maroon at this point, clashed terribly with her hair.  James decided he would never buy her anything quite that colour.

            'Hey, is Lily alright?'  Sirius asked James as the maroon disagreeably faded into chartreuse.  

            'How should I know?'

            'Oh… shit.  Oh, god.  Oh… oh… oh,' Lily said, looking as though she expected the roof to cave in upon her at any moment.

            'You feeling okay, Lil?'

            'Maybe she shouldn't be eating this…'

            James reached over to move her plate away, but she twitchily cut him off-

            'DON'T TOUCH IT!  I'm… studying its habits…' Lily whispered, her eyes frantically searching the room.

            'Right.'  Sirius said, scooting away from her as inconspicuously as he dared.

            'Lily,' James put his hand on her forearm in what he hoped was a calming gesture, 'are you-'

            'DON'T TOUCH ME! ARGH!'

            Lily tossed her plate frantically into James' face and promptly vomited on the table.  

            'OOOOH!  Do it again!  Do it again!'  Lucy shrieked in delight as Louis clapped his hands together, seemingly mildly retarded.  

'Ew.  Sirius- Sirius, why'd she do that?'  Samantha asked curiously, prodding the vomit with her fork.

            'I… don't know.  Don't touch it,' Sirius said, more to the twins than anyone else.  They were edging quite near, and had a mean look about them- almost as if they intended to start a regurgitated food fight.

            'Don't worry Lily, I'll save you!'  James reached out to help Lily, but Mrs. Black got to her first.  In her rush to transport the still-vomiting Lily to the bathroom, she knocked James out of the way forcefully, causing him to collide painfully with the kitchen counter.  

            The twins trailed after Lily at a safe distance and made retching noises while encouraging Lily to continue.  Katherine chased after them in disgust, noting that their noises were almost as grotesque as the real ones coming from Lily.  

            'Lily!'  James called through the bathroom door.

            'Don't bother, she's busy,' Sirius said, leaning against the doorframe in a bored sort of way.

            'Lily, I'm here for you, if you need me!'  James continued, ignoring Sirius.

            'James, cut it out before you make the girl sick again,' Sirius suggested.  'I don't know why she put that food in her mouth in the first place.'

            'This is your fault, Sirius!'

            'What?  What did I do?  I _tried_ to warn her.  It's not my fault your girlfriend's thick-headed and stubborn.'

            'Is she still in there?'  Brianna asked, sidling up to the door and cocking her ear to listen.  

            'Yeah, that girl sure can puke a lot,' Sirius told them all.

            'I heard that, Sirius…' Lily groaned weakly from the toilet, before issuing another dry heave.  

            'Oh, that's too bad,' Brianna said nastily, not looking at all sorry for Lily.  

            Mrs. Black opened the door and looked down at her two children and James.

            'Lily needs to rest now, make way.'  

            'She's not sleeping in my room!'  Sirius told everyone quickly, before they got any ideas.

            'You're right.  Your room is no place for a girl,' Mrs Black said sharply.

            'Hey, wait a minute!  There've been plenty of-' Sirius began, but James cut him off.

            'Leave it,' James advised out of the corner of his mouth.

            Mrs Black led Lily up to Brianna's room, where her suitcase had been deposited earlier, and lovingly pulled back the bedclothes.  

            'You're putting _her_ in _my_ room!'  Brianna shrieked with poorly disguised disgust.  'She ruins _everything_.  Why is everyone _mean_ to _me_.  You're all horrible _cows_.'  

            'Shut it,' James told her quietly  

'Yeah, Bri.  No one cares for your melodrama,' Sirius called after her as she burst into tears and ran away down the hall.     

****

            Lily lay awake that night.  Not only did the muggle medicine Mrs. Black procured for her create strange sensations in her head and stomach, but also she felt a little- anxious or perhaps more along the lines of terrified.

            She chanced a furtive glance over her shoulder and noted that Brianna still was glaring at her with venom enough to wilt a flower.  Brianna let out a long, low breath that had an odd growling quality to it.  

            'You alright, Brianna…' Lily asked cautiously.  

            'I'm _fine_,' she answered through gritted teeth.  

            'Ok…  well, I'm going to sleep now.'  

            'G_ood_.'  

            Lily shifted around, trying to find some comfort, but she could still feel Brianna's eyes blazing into her back.  Lily tried hard to ignore this feeling, but couldn't shake it off.

            'Would you like a sedative, or some warm milk, to help you sleep, Bri?'  Lily suggested helpfully.  

            '_Don't _call me that,' Brianna jerked all of the bedclothes over her.  There were so many of them, she looked like some sort of bizarre polar bear.

            'Would you like for me to lea-'

            'Yeah, get out now!'  Brianna commanded, already pushing Lily away.  

            Lily wandered out into the pitch-black hall, dragging her heavy luggage in her wake.  While using the wall as a support, she tripped over one of the twins' misplaced toys and ended up ripping her shirtsleeve off.  She finally saw a light at the end of the hallway, as James and Sirius were still quite awake. 

****

            'Bet that's not how you imagined Lily coming, huh?'  Sirius mentioned to James as the two engaged in a fierce game of exploding snap.  'Betcha you weren't picturing your paramour puking up all over the place within two hours of her arrival.  So, this is the brilliant return of Lily you've been looking forward to almost obsessively for the past six days, I bet.'

            'What's it with you and wanting to _bet_ all of a sudden.  I thought we were just playing for fun…'

            All of a sudden, a knock came at Sirius door, giving both of the boys quite a fright.

            'I'll get it,' Sirius said stupidly, his shirt off.  He leaped clumsily over all of his stuff and opened the door cautiously.

            'GAH!'  Sirius proclaimed upon seeing the dreadful appearance of the creature at the door.

            'Hi, can I come in for a bit?'  Lily asked unashamedly.  She stood, her nightgown half-off due to her recent accident in the hall, still holding her suitcases and trunk with great difficulty.

            'No!'  Sirius said angrily.  'This is my room!'

            'Yeah, come in Lily.  Let me help you with your stuff.'  James offered, reaching out to take her trunk.  

            'Oh,' Sirius said, sitting back down.  'That's how it's going to be.'

            'Is it alright if I sleep in here tonight?'  Lily asked James, sitting down next to him on his cot.  

            'Oy!  What happened to you anyway?  Have another bout of heaves?'  Sirius asked brusquely.

            'No, Sirius, I did not.  My stomach is fully settled, thank you very much,' Lily told him testily.

            'Then why do you look like you got trampled by a dragon?'  

            'Ask your sister…'

            'What, did she want to talk to you?  She gets really boring really quick, innit?'

            'Let's just say that glares of death are in no short supply in that room.  They way she treats me you'd've thought I'd killed her cat with a screwdriver.  What have I ever done to her, eh?'  Lily said, giving Sirius' bedpost a kick.  

            'Oh, you've done something _terrible_, Lily,' Sirius said knowingly.

            'What?'  James and Lily asked simultaneously, looking at each other in puzzlement.

            'You stole her main man, that's what,' Sirius thumbed at James, who was looking beyond bewildered.  

            'Oh, James is so cute and dashing.  What a heartthrob!'  Lily smirked, hitting James softly on the arm.

            'I don't get it!  Who's Brianna's main man?  What are you talking about?'  James asked incredulously.

            Lily and Sirius looked sadly at James, then continued their prior train of thought.  

            'How long has she liked him?'  Lily asked Sirius.

            'Who!?'  

            'Oh, I'd say about- forever.'  

            'Who!?'

            'That long, eh?  It'd be almost endearing if she wasn't trying to kill me.'

            'Who!?'

            'Jesus, James, shut up,' Sirius commanded, hitting James really hard on his arm.  'Brianna likes you, moron.'

            'Oh.  Really?'  James replied stupidly.  

            'So, can I sleep in here tonight?'  Lily asked more of Sirius than of James.  

            'Lily,' Sirius began with a sigh, 'you know that I really like you a lot, but you see, James is my friend, and-'

            Lily looked sideways at Sirius.  Her glare quite clearly said, 'Ew.  No.'

            'Don't threaten Lily!'  James told Sirius angrily.

            'James, I'm tired, and you're obviously too tired to think properly.  Let's go to sleep,' Lily yawned softly.

            'Ok!'  James brightened up considerably and waited for Lily to follow him to his cot.  Sirius caught James by the arm as he walked by and turned him around.

            'No.'

            'No?'

            'No.  I may not be a gentleman, but you sure as hell are.'

            'Oh.'  

            'Lily, you can sleep on the floor,' Sirius told Lily, pointing.  

            'Not going to happen.  Have you seen your floor lately?  I'd rather not have creatures nest in my hair, thank you.  I love you James,' Lily abruptly lay down on the cot, pulled the bedclothes up over her head, and promptly fell asleep.  Sirius did the same, turning out the light.

            'Sirius?'  James whispered into the darkness.  

            'Ugh- yeah, what?'  Sirius grunted.

            'Sirius, where am I going to sleep?'

            'The floor, prat.'

            'But- But the floor is infested,' James spluttered angrily.

            'Do I look like I care?'  Sirius turned on the light again and gestured to his face.  It was not a very caring face.

            'I want to sleep.  I also would prefer to have all of my appendages in the morning.'

            'It's my bed and I need it.'

            'But it's big enough for four people!'

            'It's my bed and I need it!'

            'But I need it, too!'

            'What do you want from me, you queer?!'

            'I want to sleep in the bed… with you.'

            'Exactly.  No.'

            'Please.'

            'NO!'

            James gave Sirius a bizarrely pathetic and not a small bit creepy look.

            'If I let you, will you promise never to make that face again?'

            'Yeah, whatever.'  James happily jumped into the bed.  Unfortunately for James, he would have been better off on the floor.  Sirius was a terrible bedfellow.  He slapped, he bit, he growled, he snored, he drooled, he had chase dreams.  Often times his arms strongly resembled windmills.  Just as James was noting how cute Lily looked sleeping, Sirius slapped his face with his elbow.  James started having a wonderful dream, and Sirius' snoring sucked away any sleep James might have had.  Sirius liked to sleep diagonally on the large bed.  James curled into a small triangle at the end, as far away from Sirius' head and flailing limbs as he could, and finally fell into an unpleasant doze.

****

            'James?'  Lily called over Sirius.

            Both Sirius and James grunted and made strange guttural noises.

            'James, I'm cold.'

            'Shut t'windah,' Sirius suggested groggily.

            'I can't!  I already tried, and it's really, really, really cold outside.'

            'What'd'ya want me to do about it?'  Sirius complained, a bit more awake.  

            'Can I sleep in the bed?'

            'Shit no.  Why?'

            'There are more blankets.'

            'Lily can sleep in the bed if she wants to!' James piped up enthusiastically.  

            'Ah,' Sirius smiled, raising an eyebrow handsomely.  'Lily, Lily, Lily.  You've charmed me.  Of course you can sleep in _my_ bed.  James, move over so Lily can sleep in the middle.'

****

            Sirius slept rather uncomfortably on the cot.  In fact, he had never been more uncomfortable in his own house before.  The only time he could remember being more uncomfortable was whenever Remus kicked various people (usually Sirius, mind you) out of the dormitory at certain times of the month.  _Man can that werewolf be bitchy_, Sirius thought, as he lay awake, staring longingly at his bed.  It was the first time he could recall a girl being in his bed when he wasn't there, too. 

            Truly, Sirius was uncomfortable on the cot, but not nearly as uncomfortable as James felt, sleeping amongst the festering floor bacteria of Sirius's room.  

**END OF CHAPTER SIX**

**A/N:**

Hello all!

Read and Review if you can. We still love to hear from you, know your favourite parts and love detailed reviews, not that I'm hinting or anything.

We wrote and posted a new chapter only two months after the last update! It must be a record for us! Hurrah!

We actually wrote most of this between one in the morning and nine thirty at night this very day, in fact. We would've posted it the moment it was completed, but alas, we had a party with cake, laughter and chilli con queso to attend. (The computer keeps telling me I'm spelling queso wrong. I'm no Spanish scholar, so if you think it's spelled right or know the correct spelling please tell me.) (God knows why, I took Latin in school. Let me tell you, it's done a lot of good. I could understand some of the dialogue in _The Passion _without reading subtitles: this is a necessary skill in order to live a complete life.)

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I felt so guilty about not writing personalized reviews that I just had to tonight (though it's quite late at night/early in the morning and I have to meet a bus at fifteen 'til eight in the morning so I can go on my choir tour. You should join a madrigal choir, really you should. Juust make sure the director's not a music nazi like mine.) Alright, enough of my unnecessary prattle. 

**Carolinus Took:** Of course we'll continue! We love writing this story and won't let it die. ;)

**Running out of ink:** My printer is rather low on ink right now. I have to print things in purple and green currently. I love the ending as well! Thanks for telling us your favourite part. I think for us this was updated soon, but we're slower than Christmas. ;)

**Kat44:** Ah hah! You are very observant mentioning Lily and Bri having to share a room. Brianna is such a pill, but I just love her. Mel's my favourite of our characters though (that is, our non-canon characters. Sirius will forever be nearest and dearest to my heart, which is odd because I'm sure if I knew the Sirius we've written he would annoy me beyond anything in the world. He can charm us yet still be a prat! *sigh)

**Marauderbabe289:** Thank you. :) I love that part too. Hope we put this out soon enough ;)

**LJstagflower4e/JCtigerwolf4e:** Your name is so very complicated I had to copy and paste it into the document! :) Man, I just noticed how I've put a rather large amount of smilies in this. Ah well, I suppose I'm finally succumbing to the age of… Well, I'm not sure what you'd call it… The computer age? Hmm… Thank you! I love the ending so! It makes me giggle girlishly every time.

**_______:** Well, I've got to say, your name, or lack there of, is quite nice looking. I always love a minimalist. Thanks for thinking our story to be the funniest :) I don't think we could write anything but humour. Writing anything else just seems so depressing. If I were you I'd spare my poor knees (especially as I have rather faulty knees) as Hillary and Jess are slow and too busy for our own good. 

**Star 19:** I don't know, did you? ;) I've loaded the last chapter and deleted it and reloaded it for changing errors I found. Unfortunately, I'm rather pathetic and hadn't noticed the button that says 'replace a chapter.' I can be very unobservant at times. Thank you for always being such a faithful reviewer. You are wonderful and deserve a hug.

**Cajun Rogue:** Hi there Cajun Rogue! Read the fic and loved the prank spell! ;) Thank you for the praise. ;) Is it like the funniest story you've ever read? Which is the funniest story we're reminiscent of then? Sorry, I'm giving you a bad time for using the word 'like' out of context. I just can't help myself, I'm such a fuddy duddy ;)

**Youknowwhoslittleprincess:** Ah! So _that's _what it means. It's been puzzling me for months! ;) 

I think those were all of the reviews for the last chapter. *sigh I only got to reply to nine total! :( Ah well, I'm rather tired and probably have left many typos. If not, I'm surprised and you should be too and the screen is now becoming fuzzy and the letters are blurring together, resembling ancient cuneal form (I don't think it's spelled like that…if you know the right one, tell me. Don't forget to tell me how to spell queso either.)

Thank you again! 

**-Hillary and (not technically) Jess**

**Quote of the moment:** 'I was just sitting there with my hands under the table when I felt something warm wet and fuzzy!' –Megman (yes, her nickname's Megman, as she has a very low voice, so low in fact, she usually plays men in her performances as her tenor voice is lovely. )

                     


	8. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related themes, ideas, characters ad other miscellaneous things pertaining to Harry Potter are not owned by Hillary or Jess. In fact, they belong to J.K. Rowling, her publishers, and Warner Brothers.

****

**A Very Sirius Christmas**

**Chapter VII**

Lily stared longingly at James.

James stared longingly at Lily.

Sirius stared longingly at the biscuit tray. 

As Lily and James continued to stare at each other in an intimate way that would make any person feel awkward, Sirius thought about how good the biscuits might taste if his mother had used cooking oil in place of tofu. Sirius did not understand what all of the staring was about. If he had been that near a girl, there certainly would be no staring. 

'James, I-' Lily began, but James cut her off by putting a single finger to her lips.

'Don't talk, you're beautiful,' he said lovingly.

'Oh brother,' Sirius said loudly, a look on his face that suggested a large amount of garbage had been shoved under his nose. Sirius had decided that 'awkward sexual tension time' should come to an end.

'You know, Hitler only had one ball. People say he had a lot of balls. No. Just the one,' Sirius commented flatly, with a knowing look. 

'Lily, I'll love you forever and ever,' James said sincerely, looking deeply into Lily's green eyes, suggesting expansive Irish fields. Sirius gave a false cough to hide his derisive laughter.

'James… I think you're really good at Quidditch,' Lily said, taken slightly aback. 

'Tomatoes are a really horrible fruit,' Sirius suggested. 'They are a fruit you know. They're really a bit dodgy, though. They look all nice on the outside, but you look inside a tomato and you know something has truly gone afoul.' 

'Lily, I'd die for you!' James proclaimed, resting his hand on Lily's leg. Lily laughed nervously.

'James, about last night- I'm sorry you had to sleep on the floor. It really must have been awful for you,' Lily cooed, feeling a bit smothered.

'That's alright, Lily,' James said, lowering his voice somewhat. He moved his hand up to her waist and continued in a tone that clearly said 'I'm a man. I can't complain.' 'Your comfort is the most important thing to me.'

'There aren't many good songs about penguins. In fact, there aren't _any_ songs about penguins. I can't think of one. There are plenty of songs sung _by_ penguins. _Mary Poppins_ had singing penguins. I think _Bedknobs and Broomsticks _did too. Weren't there singing penguins in it? I can't remember. Are penguins just not interesting enough to get songs written about them? I like penguins. I saw one in the zoo one time- it tripped another penguin and the stupid one fell face first in the water! It was brilliant. I'm going to write a song about penguins,' Sirius said conversationally to a vase on the coffee table.

'Sirius, do you _need _something?' James asked through gritted teeth. He made a 'subtle' head gesture that clearly demonstrated his desire for Sirius to leave.

'No, I'm good,' Sirius decided, propping his feet up on the table and making mooneyes at Lily.

'I would prefer it if you went away… maybe you could catch up in your _War and Peace_,' James suggested, looking murderously at Sirius. 

'Life's tough. Get a helmet,' Sirius suggested back. 

'James, don't pick on Sirius so much,' Lily chided gently.

'What?!' James spluttered.

'You're always picking at him. I wish you wouldn't.'

'What? Have you listened to the words that have been coming out of his mouth? I say words because I don't know that I'd ever call them organised thoughts. He's doing this deliberately to interrupt because he can't stand the fact that everyone's attention is not on him.'

'But everyone's attention is on me!' Sirius protested.

'I'm serious, James. Sirius just doesn't like being left out of the conversation. He's justified. You are supposed to be spending time with him, too.'

'I don't see how he could be a part of this conversation,' James began, but Sirius cut him out.

'I love you, Lily, forever and ever and forever and ever and ever,' Sirius told her, cupping his face in his hands and staring at her. 

'Really?' Lily said in mock awe. 'Well, in that case I admit it: I love you forever and ever and ever, too,' Lily joked, tapping him on the nose with her index finger. Both of them erupted into fits of giggles. James crossed his arms angrily.

'So, Lily, when did you realise that you were madly in love with me? Feel free to let James go at any time,' Sirius addressed Lily with utter seriousness, putting his arm around her shoulder, much to James' vexation. 

'Sirius, you know I've always liked you.'

'Yeah, but when did you decide to throw yourself at me in such a flattering way?'

James stood paused, not for the first time, looking much like Bambi's mother about to leap in front of the shotguns. 

'Well,' Lily began confidentially, 'I did fancy you rather a lot for four months in third year. Then I started hanging around you more, got to know you, heard you talk.'

'Oh, so I _was_ right. You should have said something. We could have gone out sometime,' Sirius said suavely. James made a noise like a mouse on the third rail in a tube station when the train is about to pull in. 1

'Lily doesn't like you anymore!' James told Sirius feebly.

'What, is she a lesbian now?' Sirius asked.

'What?' Lily said, not seeing the connection.

'Do you think there are any gay penguins?'

'What?' Lily and James said together.

'Well, I just figure that if they'd seen me, they'd all be gay, well, the males that is,' Sirius mused.

'Is he making sense?' James asked Lily quietly.

'I am making sense! I'm just surprised there are any straight men left, since I came around. I don't get it,' Sirius said.

'Sirius, are you trying to tell us something?' Lily asked gently.

'What? No! Hell no! I'm not gay. That's not what I'm saying. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just not. I also don't get lesbians- why? I'm here.'

'Sirius… have you ever thought that maybe there are lesbians _because_ you're here?' Lily suggested.

'Could we please not talk about this anymore?' James petitioned.

'What, James, are you a homophobe?' Sirius asked.

'What? No. I just want- never mind,' James said sourly. What he wanted was for Lily's attention to be focused back on him for a moment. 

'Don't be so close-minded, James. You need to be more accepting of people who are different from you.'

'Yeah, James, why are you so mean all the time? You're doing this deliberately to interrupt because you can't stand the fact that everyone's attention is not on you.'

'I'm NOT!' James yelled feebly.

'Oh boy, the biscuits are ready!' Sirius leaped up and ran to the kitchen. Hoping that Sirius wasn't fool enough to touch Mrs Black's cooking, Lily and James quickly followed.

Sirius ignored the nice _looking_ neat pile of raisin biscuits and made a beeline for the back door, where his mother was standing with another tray. 

'Oh boy,' Sirius said again, 'She's letting me go first this time!'

Lily eyed the tray warily, noticing biscuits cut perfectly into bone shapes.

'See, she usually only lets me have a go after the dogs are finished eating,' Sirius explained calmly, piling six or seven biscuits onto the palm of his hand. 

'You're eating _dog_ biscuits?' James smirked. 

'Yeah, want some?' 

'No thanks,' Lily and James murmured as he balanced one on his nose before eating it in a single bite.

'Don't worry kids, I made some granola oat raisin biscuits as well,' Mrs Black gestured kindly to the other pile of biscuits. The _tofu_ ones.

'That's alright, thanks, not hungry.'

'No, thank you, I've already eaten.'

'I really love the dog biscuits.'

Sirius continued to perform strange acrobatic feats along with sound effects while eating the biscuits, but suddenly he was interrupted by a burst of soot from the living room hearth.

'Hey, Remus. Right on time,' Sirius said calmly, helping his friend out of the fireplace.

'Hey James, Lily,' Remus greeted the others.

'Hi Remus,' Lily said dumbly.

'Remus,' James echoed. 

'What're you doing here?' Lily asked slowly, noting that James looked just as surprised as she did.

'Well, I'm not surprised that Sirius forgot to tell you, but I was always coming. Just had to spend Christmas with my parents first,' Remus explained calmly.

'I did _not_ forget! I told them both at least ten times,' Sirius defended himself.

'Did you hear?' James asked Lily.

'No, because he never said it.'

'Biscuit?' Sirius offered one of his own biscuits to Remus.

'Sure,' Remus accepted. 'Wow, these are really good!'

Lily and James determined that it would be best not to say anything.

'Boy, I love quidditch. It's the best sport in the world!' Sirius told James.

'I love quidditch, too,' James agreed enthusiastically. 

'Blah blah blah, quidditch, blah blah blah, quaffle, blah blah blah…' was more what is sounded like to Remus and Lily, who quickly and inconspicuously left the room.

After nearly an hour, Lily and Remus returned from their chat with Melanie to discover that James and Sirius were still discussing quidditch with great fervor. After another hour or two Lily had had enough.

'Enough! Don't talk about it any more!' Lily said angrily, sitting on James' lap to gain his full attention.

'Why should we?' Sirius snooted.

'Quidditch is a very interesting sport, I realise this, but it has been over two hours since you started talking about it. Remus and I are _bored_,' Lily explained.

'You're just bored because you have nothing to contribute. You're bad,' Sirius explained back.

'Beg pardon?' Lily said, taken aback.

'You are bad at quidditch. Unskilled. Can't play. You lack talent with a broom. You're not good players. Can't do anything worth anything. Three-toed sloths are quicker than you. You are so bad that-'

'Ok, we get the idea, Sirius, thank you,' Remus said acidly. 

'How _dare_ you?!' Lily cried out, clearly unhappy.

'Well, it's just the truth, Lily…' James said timidly. 

'What?' Lily said quietly, the danger hidden in her voice was apparent to all but one.

'You know, you're just not very talented as a quidditch player. It's not really a bad thing, it's just something you're not good at,' James reasoned, ignoring Remus' frantic motions for him to cease talking. 

'I'll show _you_ talented, you wanker! Let's go, right now, you and me, outside!' Lily said determinedly, her face contorted in anger.

'Lily, Lily, Lily. Oh my little Lily flower. You don't need to prove anything to _us_. It's Ok, we know you're "good at quidditch." We believe you,' Sirius said suavely, patting Lily on the head. Lily slapped his arm away from her violently and yelled angrily:

'Remus and I'll take you, too! _You're going down!_' 

'Wait, wait… I don't want-' Remus began, but three voices silenced him at once.

'No one slaps me!' Sirius informed them all helpfully.

'Lily, please don't put yourself through this. I love you, I don't want to embarrass you in front of everyone,' James tried again. 

'You… you… you chauvinistic, egotistical asshole. You're so big-headed I'm surprised your broomstick can even support your weight. If you think I'll _ever_ even _kiss_ you again, you've got another thing coming!'

'James is in trouble,' Sirius snickered, pointing.

'You too! I'm going to _kill_ you both,' Lily said sadistically, her eyes and hair aflame. She then backhanded Sirius for emphasis. 

'Lilyflower! You have pushed me- _too far_. I was going to let you win, but now, oh now, it's blood I want. I'm going to wipe the ground with your face!' Sirius declared, his finger held high in the air. 

'I'll see you on the pitch!' Lily growled, grabbing Remus and dragging him outdoors. 

END OF CHAPTER SEVEN… or is it END OF CHAPTER EIGHT? Which is this? I don't know… 

Seven. I think it's seven.

****

**END OF CHAPTER SEVEN**

A/N:

Here are messages for specific people. If you're wonderful and review you get s special answer back. Yes, that's no real incentive… You can read them if they're not for you, though you probably won't understand them. Some of them you can understand though…

There's a message for everybody at the bottom! :)

**Mysticaldreams:** I like that part too. I'm no great speller, well not quickly at least. Neither is Jess. In fact sometimes she sounds out words to spell them in such a way that she sounds like a mentally subnormal eight year old trying to spell antidisestablishmentarianism. Ooo! I spelled that correctly on the first try! I guess I am a great speller then. ;) I'm just kidding about Jess. She spells 'piece' accurately without thinking. I have a mental block and always spell it 'peice.' I wish I had a program that automatically translated like yours does with Latin back in the day. I'm sure I wouldn't have failed that AP course then. (I didn't fail it, but I didn't do spectacularly well either.) Hope we updated soon enough! ;)

Jess wants to know if you spelled hilarious that way for a reason. With two 'L's that is. Like other words that have them… Like HiLLary.

Hillary thinks it's just spelling skills that contributed to this.

Jess just discovered a new muscle in her leg and doesn't quite care anymore. Sorry for the inconvenience.

**Carolinus Took: **Of course we will continue! We love writing this story! We're just both far too incredibly busy for our own good. I'm glad we made you happy and that you found this hilarious. :)

**Trashcan:** Yes, this finally be updated. I'm glad you considered this comedy and not tragedy, because that's what we intended. ;)

**Cajun Roque: **I like your attitude Lindsey. :) I was wondering if you had stopped using 'like' out of context. I don't think I've ever used 'totally' out of context. I suppose you'll have to do that for me and put it in your next review. ;) 

**Thaliae: **Shame anyone's a girl. We should have more Siriuses…Sirius's… I don't know how to type that. Where's Alastair when you need him? I've never a manly bonding experience. I guess that's because I'm female. Glad to know our fic can somewhat be based in reality.

**LadyQueenscove: **Hurrah! Someone who appreciates the subtle humour! You light up my life, LQ. Oh, don't explode with tension! It's never good to explode. One, it's uncomfortable, two it's rather messy and three…well, one and two should be enough, don't you think? ;)

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**Star 19:** As usual, I love to get a review from you. They are always informative, interesting funny, and well written. I'm glad we brightened up your day because your reviews always do the same for me. No criticisms? I know what it's like to be incredibly critical. Maybe that's why there are none from you, I already made them. ;) That's one of my favourite parts of the whole fic. Orange chucks? Is that what their called? Doesn't sound terribly pleasing. I support the cream, cherries bananas, chocolate swirls and wafer things though. Not so sure about the pineapple. I also love reese's peanut butter cups, m&m's…erm… I'm sure there are more things. I like mint ice-cream. Again, thanks for reviewing.

**Bob the Flying Squirrel**: Oh! I love your name! Is there a particular reason you're named that? Do you own one or anything? Do you resemble one? _Are_ you one? I'm so glad you like the characters! And you trade quotes! Wow you two make me so happy! Hope we updated soon enough for you. :)

**Zanella:** I'm glad you loved this chapter. Ah, poor James, he's such a cute sap over Lily. We tried to capture how silly most teen romances can be. Hopefully we're succeeding. I feel the same way about Sirius. He is so wonderful! sigh. If I knew him I'm sure I would think him annoying, but you just can't hate him he's so charming. The bedroom scene was lots of fun to come up with. :)

**Alastair: **Glad you liked the new chapter. Hope your laughter has subsided by now. We evidently found time to write more and hope you didn't look forward for nothin'. Thanks for the spelling tips. :) I was rather good at spelling back in the day. That faded away after my 8th birthday…

**Running out of ink: **Ah computer problems. I know them well. Mine refuses on the internet and jess'…. Well, the screen really isn't supposed to be black and grey all the time, it just does that on its own. Our favourite part is this: 'Lily, Lily, Lily. You've charmed me. Of course you can sleep in _my_ bed. James, move over so Lily can sleep in the middle.' Sorry for quoting our own story back at you, but everyone was quoting the story at us and I wanted to participate too. 

Thanks for the reviews everyone! The more we get the more we feel inclined to write, which probably explains why it's been two months since we last updated. ;)

So…


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